by Bobbi Palmer
We all know the line: “I’ve kissed so many frogs I’ve got the warts to prove it!” Or “How many frogs do I have to kiss before I find my prince?” It’s an expression used often, and as a woman who was married for the first time at 47, you bet I used it countless times during my (oh so many) dating years.
Think about the last time you used this or some form of it. Was it at the end of yet another bad date, or maybe when a man you were interested in didn’t show interest in return? Or maybe you haven’t dated for a while because you’ve decided you’ve had your fill of “kissing frogs?”
We can probably agree on who these frogs are. They are the guys who wasted our time and left us disappointed because they ended up being dull or unattractive or unintelligent or just plan jerks. They are the men we thought had potential to be The One, and then turned out to be far from it. They are the ones that lied about their height and their hair in their online profile, acted like they were interested and never called, talked about themselves incessantly, or grumbled about their ex-wife throughout your entire date. You know these men. Croak, croak!
So here’s what I want to share about this: We gotta stop this frog thing ladies. These men…the one’s you’re meeting or trying to mee…they are people too.
Granted, there’s always a bad one in the bunch. When my dearest girlfriend was raging about this rude man she recently met, Larry (my spectacular husband) told her “Remember those guys you met in bars when you were 22? Some are still out there trolling; just now they have gray hair and they’re even more annoying.” So true.
But let’s be completely honest and objective here. Looking back on my 30 (!!) years of dating – with some perspective and without the bad feelings – I see that most of the men I met were plain ole’ nice guys. Like me, they were looking for companionship, fun, and meaningful human connection. Like me, some were insecure, fearful, loathe of rejection, pained by past experiences, and disappointed in the people they had met so far. And like me, they sometimes reacted to their disappointment with callousness and selfishness.
I know the frog thing is helpful when we feel rejected, or when we try to explain away the lack of intimacy in our lives. It seems to somehow sooth us when we can brush off the void with a flip frog reference or a “who needs a man anyway?” comment.
But if you are looking for a meaningful relationship with a special man, you have to start with this. Men are people who are looking to love and be loved. Just like us, they worry about how they look, whether they are liked, and if they will ever find someone to spend the rest of their lives with.
The truth is, as long as you see men as frogs, instead of nice guys who just aren’t your match, you will continue to see frogs wherever you go.
So here’s my advice: on your next big date (and you should be dating!), set out with your kindness and compassion front and center. Approach the lucky man as a nice guy who, like you, is out there looking for a nice time, with hopes of finding a connection. Treat him like a prince, or just like a caring and feeling person, and I bet he’ll meet your expectations.
Gotta go. Be good to yourself.
Bobbi Palmer is a Dating and Relationship Coach for Grown-up Women. She helps smart women date like a grown-up so they can enjoy – not just endure – the journey along the way to lasting and meaningful love. Take Bobbi’s free Man-O-Meter test at www.DateLikeaGrownup.com to find out how ready you are to date like a grown-up. Bobbi offers individual and group coaching. Contact her at email@example.com to schedule your complimentary 30 minute coaching session.