love and relationships / Love and Romance / Relationships

It’s Not Always About The Toilet Seat! 15 Common Fights Normal Couples Have

"From Money To Mother-In Laws, Here Are The 15 Most Common Things That Healthy Couples Fight About"From Money To Mother-In Laws, Here Are The 15 Most Common Things That Healthy Couples Fight About . . .

“But first, it’s important to understand that great relationships require great fights,” explains Marriage & Family Counselor, Judith Wright, Ed.D. “Conflict can be a couple’s secret weapon for coming closer, not a sign that they’re coming apart—especially when they know why they fight, how to fight right, and what to fight for.”

Author of the new book, “The Heart of the Fight” (New Harbinger, Feb. 2016), Judith adds, “Most relationship books teach conflict resolution rather than conflict completion, but in order to have higher levels of intimacy and trust, you’ve got to keep it real — and sometimes that requires some verbal combat.”

INTERVIEW: Chicago-based Relationship Counselor, Judith Wright, has been called the “World’s Ultimate Expert” by Woman’s World Magazine, has appeared on Good Morning America, NBC’s Today Show, in Marie Claire, Health, Shape and others. Dr. Wright holds a BA in psychology, an MA in education and counseling as well as a doctorate degree in Educational Leadership and Change. She can discuss:

The 15 Common Fights That Make Or Break Your Relationship. PLUS, The Rules of Engagement & How To Fight Fair. Here are a few picks from the new book, “The Heart of the Fight: A Couples Guide to 15 Common Fights, What They Really Mean & How They Can Bring You Closer”:

  1. The Blame Game: Here the fight is over who’s at fault—for a lousy vacation, a crummy restaurant choice, etc. There’s a big difference between scapegoating and figuring out why something went wrong. The former is a vindictive activity and getting caught in the Blame Game often results in endless loops of dissatisfaction with no real change.
  2. Toilet Seats & Other Domestic Disputes: Petty squabbles about chores, dishes, picking up the kids, making dinner, and doing the laundry usually end up minimizing each other’s domestic contributions. Unconscious power and control struggles often play out in squabbles over who does what, but these duty duels can actually be great opportunities for relationship growth.
  3. Dueling Over Dollars: Financial feud about making money, spending it, saving it, and using it the way you want are volatile topics for many couples. But money is only the surface subject of the argument. These fights often mask issues of self-worth, fear, or a sense of security. They can stem from a desire to be appreciated, or a hunger for social affirmation.
  4. The Hidden Middle Finger: You walk away, seething and resentful—now is time for the silent treatment. “That ought to show him” is the message you’re sending, but it rarely gets through. Nothing is resolved and the relationship never deepens. Some fights can be deadly quiet; you can say, “screw you,” without even saying a word. However, this passive-aggressive behavior erodes the relationship.
  5. Sexual Dissatisfaction: These arguments range from “You never are in the mood!” to “You’re always in the mood,” or “You’re just going through the motions,” or “You don’t find me attractive anymore.” These fights are about more than sexual intimacy and they can be mined for valuable information about how to have better intercourse in all ways, making the relationship—as well as the sex—better.
  6. If You Really Loved Me, You’d . . . If you really loved me, you’d quit smoking, come home sooner, know what to buy me for my birthday, stop watching so much TV, spend less time with your computer games, put down your phone during dinner, etc. Rather than getting sidetracked, the conversation should focus on understanding why you and your partner are playing the “if you really loved me” card.
  7. I Can’t Stand the Way You . . . All of a sudden you can’t stand the way your partner chews, walks, eats, or talks. Simple everyday habits bug you or even make your skin crawl. Things that were endearing in the past start grating on your nerves. Look beneath these “you bug me” type fights, and you’ll start to find a lot of unexpressed upsets that have been swept under the carpet—and now you’re tripping on it.

Other common fights include, “Family Feuds”, “Told-You-So’s”, “Deception Perceptions”, “You’re Just Like Your Mother/Father”, “You Love _____ More Than Me”, and more.

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