Marilyn Hagar, author shares an excerpt of her book “Finding the Wild Inside – Exploring our Inner Landscape Through the Arts, Dreams and Intuition“with the readers of WE magazine for Women.
When I think now about who I was as a young girl, it is as if I were trying to plant myself in some kind of artificial turf, instead of the rich, loamy soil that is my birthright. My essential being embodies the deep feminine energy of Mother Earth, but nothing about my life encouraged me to look in her direction. In fact, society taught me to be embarrassed and ashamed of that part of myself, to find her inferior and maybe even dangerous. That led to copious amounts of mistrust in an essential part of my own being.
Not seeing as sacred the essential nature of my womanhood and the creative essence I shared with the world, I was looking skyward for my spiritual guidance. But, in spite of myself, as my life lived itself forward, I found myself stumbling toward the realization that I needed to plant my feet firmly on the ground, look down, rather than up, and sink more deeply into life, instead of trying to rise above it.
What I couldn’t see and didn’t yet fully understand is that life on this earth, in and of itself, is sacred. The experience of being in a woman’s body, being pregnant, giving birth, and becoming a mother carried me forward. Thankfully, as I matured, I learned to sink beneath the chatter of my mind and listen to a voice that originated deeper in my body. That deeper voice whispered to me the teachings of wild nature and reminded me again and again that my larger mother and I had some long-lost, important, but unremembered relationship with each other. My task was to rediscover that connection.
I’ve learned to treasure that deep voice inside me. It is the voice of my own wild self. She is untamed and speaks in a variety of ways, but she always speaks freely. She exists outside the patriarchal influences of my culture and works to tame my inner patriarch, who seeks to silence me. Owning my wild self has been my life challenge. It takes courage to surrender to her ways, but the great reward is being able to live life more authentically and with greater trust in the love that rests in the core of my being. I believe if there is hope for our planet, it will come because we allow our deep feminine energy to arise and find balance with the masculine energy that has been running amok. If we can do that, I know we can create a better world.
In finding my wild home, what I know now to be true about my relationship with divine energy lives inside me as embodied experience. All of my inner explorations have made visible for me what was once invisible. One day, on a morning beach walk, I watched as a flock of shorebirds up ahead appeared and disappeared before my very eyes. When they flew in one direction, their feathers caught the light and they appeared out of nowhere, bright white against the deep blue water. When they reversed direction, they were completely camouflaged once again, disappearing in the dark blue background. Though I tried hard to catch even the slightest hint of their movements, I couldn’t see them at all. I watched in awe, enjoying this natural magic show, as they swirled around and around, catching the light and then disappearing over and over again. Finally committed to a direction, they disappeared down the beach and I didn’t see them again.
As I walked on, I thought how much my experience with those birds mirrors the moments when flashes of insight from my wild self suddenly appear as if out of nowhere. When it happens, I always feel as if magic is afoot. Over the years, these moments have added up. They have become something of substance and have challenged me to find my sense of belonging in a world that is much more expansive than I ever imagined.
We all have a wild self at the core of our being, just waiting there for us to come near. When we open to that part of ourselves, we begin to discover the uniqueness that we are, and that is the first step toward finding our own authentic contribution to our world.
I have always loved this quote from Martha Graham, urging us toward our own deepest expression of who we are: “There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. . . .”
Reflection
Reflect on an early memory of being in nature. On a walk or hike, collect sticks, leaves, rocks, seeds, moss, whatever calls to you. With thread, string, tape, glue, etc., fashion a representation of yourself as a doll or in a natural collage. In your journal, begin a conversation with this earthy part of yourself.
