He’s Gone… The Marriage is Over

You’ve heard the stories, read them, and shared with family and friends, divorce nightmares so horrible that you cringed at the thought of it happening to you. But it did happen; and now you have your story to tell.

As you eye newly signed divorce papers, you realize that it’s official.  He’s gone… the marriage is over… and you’re divorced.  “Now what?”  Are you happy…sad…regretful… Or downright thankful because he’s gone and you’re set free?

Whether it’s our first…second…or third divorce, our emotions dictate how we cope. Some throw a happily divorced party because the albatross weighting us down is gone.  Others cry profusely because their two, five, ten or twenty-year marriage is over, and he isn’t coming back.

Many of us have lain in our lonely beds, staring at the ceiling, and wondered what went wrong. With Kleenex and photos of a past life, we reminisce, laugh and cry about the way it was; or wasn’t.  We’ve relied on over-eating, drugs, alcohol, and sometimes another man, as panaceas to see us through, as we pondered the three W’s of divorce:

First we ask Why?  Why did he do this? Why was I such a fool?  Why didn’t I see it coming?  Why do I keep picking the wrong man?

The next question is Was?  Was I not a good wife?  Was I too fat…to skinny?  Was I not young enough…pretty enough?  Was I not sexually satisfying?  Was I a dummy for marrying him in the first place?

Finally, we ask What? What went wrong?  What about the children? What kind of husband would do this?  What am I going to do now?   And some simply ask… what the F##////??? happened?

For my friend Marjorie, divorce was a welcomed relief from a deadbeat husband. Her twenty-year marriage ended with losing her home to foreclosure, losing her new car to repossession, and losing her savings to his gambling establishments.  If he wasn’t drinking—he was gambling—and losing whatever funds he…she… or they had acquired.  Because of him she lost practically everything, but she managed to salvage what was most important… her sanity. Marjorie’s divorce was a happy occasion. Two weeks after the final decree, she threw one of the best parties that I’ve ever attended.  And no, he wasn’t there!

Divorce can be a heart wrenching experience, forcing you to feel ill-tempered, emotionally depleted and numb. I’m no stranger to numbness, ill-temperance or divorce.  I’ve been through it three times:

Husband #1.  He was handsome, professional, and selfish.  Three months into our marriage, and me happily pregnant, he wanted me to abort our baby.  Children would interfere with his career. Our home was to house only one baby… HIM! I said no. He said goodbye. And we divorced.

Husband #2.  Married to an egoistic and well-to-do abuser, I lived well, but emotionally I was a wreck. Either he constantly criticized my weight; or he’d slap me for something as simple as unintentionally adding too much salt to a meal that I was cooking. And I cooked everyday.  You do the math.

Husband #3.  A womanizer and a liar, this story is too horrible to tell. But I’ll say this; we married in January 2007 by September of the same year we were separated.  I thought eternity…he thought escape.  Three weeks after our first vacation, he left me and moved in with a former girlfriend.  Unbeknownst to me, he was seeing her the entire time we were married.  Talk about your two-for-one. The sad part is I thought we were happy.

The devastation of my third divorce forced me to ask myself, “Now What?”  They are two simple…but very powerful words. I now realize that divorce doesn’t mean the end, but rather, the beginning. Now it’s time for me observe the warning signs of a bad relationship before saying, “I do.”  Now it’s time for me to thank God for my life and stop asking Him WHAT will happen now that my husband is gone. Some relationships just aren’t meant to be.  Accept it!

If you’re contemplating divorce, give your husband every conceivable opportunity to morph into the man he should be before pursuing it.  But if he’s the type of man that always threatens with “I’m leaving.”  Let him leave, or you’ll hear it the rest of your life.  You burned the biscuits…“I’m leaving.”  You didn’t make the bed… “I’m leaving.”  You don’t look like a Victoria Secret model…“I’m leaving.”  If you’re married to a man like this…open the door, push him out and change the locks.  Goodbye!

If you’re going through a divorce with no chance of reconciliation, start thinking of life without him.  Start doing what makes you happy.  Make new friends, find a hobby, change your hair color, and get a new look if you’re tired of the old one.  Find your niche.

If you’re in the final stages of divorce or the divorce is final, never close the door on love.  Dry your tears, wash your face, apply your make-up and move on! Put the pain of that past life behind you and leave it there! Begin to live again. True love could be just around the corner.  Be patient. Wait. And let love find you. How will you know its true love?  Because he’ll committedly, unselfishly and faithfully love you back.