For those of you who have uttered the words “there are no good men out there” I have these questions for you: Will you know him when you see him? Are you really ready for him?

There seems to be three common reasons why women feel they aren’t connecting with quality men. Maybe one or more of these are preventing you from meeting your special man.

You don’t have a true and realistic vision of what a good man is.

When I ask women what qualities they want in a man, I hear the usual traits: honesty, affection, humor, etc. What they are lacking is the deeper vision. A list of adjectives isn’t enough to help you get to know him.

  • For each adjective, what does that “look like” in day-to-day life?
  • What are the feelings you want to feel when you’re with him?
  • What type of relationship will make you happy?
  • What will you and won’t you compromise with?
  • Is this today’s vision, or one you created many years ago?

If you haven’t, I encourage you to revisit and replace your story of the “perfect man” with a grownup version that satisfies your needs as the woman you are today. This woman has the life experience that tells her what truly matters and what she needs to feel loved and fulfilled by a man. She also accepts herself as imperfect, and accepts that in others.

Lori Gottlieb says in her book Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough that 10’s don’t really exist. She talks about healthy compromise. She’s not saying that we should compromise on the important stuff; only that a lot of things on our long list are not really important.

For more on this, including detailed steps for getting to know your ideal mate, read my post: Time to Meet Your Grownup Man.

You don’t give yourself a chance to get to know most men.

Most women are looking for men who are their biggest fans, are confident and go after what they want, are able to be open about their feelings, and are absolutely faithful (just to name a few). How can you possibly know that in the time it takes to drink a cup of coffee?

In that time you can tell if he’s good looking and if you feel an instant attraction. Chemistry is great – for a short while. I mean seriously: how’s that working for you so far?

It’s your realistic and grownup must-haves that count. Unless he’s drunk, stinky, or cusses like a sailor…could you please just give him a break? You’ll be doing yourself a favor by staying longer or accepting that next date; and then relating with an open mind and an open heart.

When you do I guarantee you’ll meet a lot more quality men.

You self-sabotage.

A woman who deep-down doesn’t feel worthy or trust herself to make good decisions can unconsciously attract men who are less-than, and deter the good guys.

As a woman who dated for 30 years I know every way there is to avoid meaningful connection and deep feelings. For me it went like this: there are no good men, so I’m better off alone. Voila! I gave myself permission to give up on finding a great man to share my life with.

When I was single I hardly ever met men who I thought were smart, kind, trustworthy, and charming. Now that I’m happily married, I meet them all the time. I don’t think it’s coincidence.

When you’re clear about what truly matters for a meaningful relationship; when you are open to genuinely getting to know and connecting with the men you’re meeting; quality men will be everywhere.

REMEMBER: Michelle Vasquez is writing about another limiting belief today. Check out her post at