So about that ‘happily ever after…’

Seven years ago, I met an amazing man. It was an idyllic setting: a tantra retreat in the Caribbean, love at first sight, yada, yada. We knew very quickly that we wanted to be together and had a sense it would become a long-term thing. There was one tiny problem: we lived in different states, had 5 children between the two of us, and neither one of us could imagine moving.

We spent the first year or so trying to craft that perfect life together, where one of us would move, we would live together, our kids would be step-siblings, and it would all be great. That was the least fun time in our relationship.

Over time, we began to realize that we were actually seeking everybody else’s ideals of a great relationship. We never really asked the question of what we would actually like to create. Once we started looking at that, and getting real with ourselves, our relationship became and continued to become consistently greater. And, nobody has moved or even has plans to!

Interested in having this type of relationship for you?

Here are five tools we use to create our relationship as a unique, intimate, and fun playground that truly works for both of us:

  1. Let each other do whatever creates joy. 

This can be a tall order in relationships. Often people vie for control in relationships, or decide that if their partner is not doing what they would like them to do, there is a problem. That is actually the biggest problem of all! If you don’t allow your partner to create their life in a way that works for them, you will both end up unhappy!

  1. Get real about what works.

This can seem oh-so unromantic! Relationships have to be pragmatic. You and your partner will have different perspectives on what works for you. What if this was not a deal breaker? When you acknowledge what works for your partner in different areas (like finances, sex, sleep patterns, scheduling, etc.), you then have valuable information about how they are going to approach their life and the relationship. With that, you can choose what works for you.

For example, If your partner has a need to have a certain amount of money in the bank in order to feel secure, and you have a different point of view about how you use money, you can start to get creative with how you structure your finances so that you both get to have what works for you.

  1. Don’t try to change each other.

This is a death sentence for any relationship! Eventually somebody will feel as if they are being made wrong, the relationship will lose its luster, and you will lose your joy. When we try to change each other, we decay our relationships. If your partner truly does not work for you the way they are, be kind to both of you and move on.

  1. Have fun!

Interestingly enough, the fun factor is missing in so many relationships! Do you have fun with your partner? Do you do things that bring you each joy? If not, start! Relationships should be a contribution to our lives, not a burden. If all of your time together is spent either running your life or processing your problems, perhaps truly having fun together would allow your problems to dissolve and your life to run more smoothly?

  1. Have sex! 

I said it! Research shows that people who have sex are happier and healthier. Research also shows that most couples stop having sex after 5 years. If you are no longer having sex with your partner – why not start again? Would you have a happier & healthier body if you were having sex? There are so many wonderful resources available if you are not having the sex you would like to have and you wish to change that. Sex can be incredibly nurturing, bonding, and joyful – and it can dynamically increase intimacy as well! If you haven’t had sex in a while with your partner, perhaps start with a back rub or a foot rub and get re-connected to their body. Nurturing touch can go a long way in revitalizing even the dreariest of relationships.

What if the purpose of a relationship was to expand your life, contribute to your joy, and even make your life easier? What would it be like to have a relationship that is truly fun, and that truly works for you? These tools will help you create a lot more of that!


Heather Nichols is a maven of change who lives on the creative edge of a dynamic, fun, and different life. More about her work:  or