…the Love This Valentine’s Day

No matter how much they want to reward their employees, many leaders just don’t have the financial resources to give out much-deserved raises and bonuses. Fortunately, according to Todd Patkin, you don’t need to spend a cent to show your people beyond a shadow of a doubt that you care about them and appreciate their hard work. He suggests showering your employees with love this Valentine’s Day.

Valentine’s Day is usually reserved for showering love on your special someone. But if you’re in a leadership position at a company that’s been hit hard by the recession and its aftereffects, you probably already know that your employees could use some love too. In the battle for survival, your company may have developed a perpetually stressful atmosphere in which your employees have been asked to do more with less—often with little thanks. Of course, you don’t want to shortchange them (and in fact, the thought of doing so has probably worried you just as much as the economy!); you simply still can’t afford to reward them through the more traditional means of raises and bonuses.

Fortunately, says Todd Patkin, you don’t need a single dime to make your people happy at work or to show them just how much you care about them and appreciate their efforts. And what better time than Valentine’s Day to start showing them the love again.

“People will never admit it, but money is not the thing they desire most from their work. Instead, showing appreciation, respect, and, yes, even love are the three most important ways to make your people feel great about their work,” points out Patkin, author of Finding Happiness: One Man’s Quest to Beat Depression and Anxiety and—Finally—Let the Sunshine In“And happy, engaged employees are the single best way to impact your company’s bottom line.”

Patkin isn’t just a talking head—he speaks from experience. For nearly two decades, he was instrumental in leading his family’s auto parts business, Autopart International, to new heights until it was finally bought by Advance Auto Parts in 2006 for more money than he ever dreamed possible. During that time, Patkin made it his number-one priority to always put his people and their happiness first.

“As a leader, I quickly found that if my team was content and their work environment was a positive one, they would be more engaged and motivated, and they would truly care about our organization’s future,” he elaborates. “Plus, it was even more rewarding for me to see that my employees were happy—and often even ecstatic—than it was for me that we were making money.”

Patkin adds, “It’s more important now than ever before to show your employees love and appreciation, because you probably haven’t been able to give them big raises and bonuses since the recession hit. Let your employees know that this Valentine’s Day will be all about making sure they know how much you appreciate all of their hard work.”

Furthermore, Patkin adds that if your employees are perpetually stressed out, they’ll be less motivated and more disengaged. And when they’re unhappy, they’ll do only what they must to avoid chastisement…and you’ll lose money in the long term. Also, as the economy turns around, they’ll be more likely to start looking for a new job elsewhere.

“If there is one thing I would like to tell all leaders at all levels and in all industries, it’s that you have nothing to lose and everything to gain—including an improved bottom line—by making your organization as happy a place to work as possible.”

Read on for five of Patkin’s show-the-love strategies that you can use as soon as today to say “thanks for a job well done!” to any employee, any time…without spending a cent:

Send “love” notes. Writing and sending a thank-you note is standard practice when you receive a gift. And what is great, thorough work other than a gift from your people to you? When you notice that an individual has done an excellent job or has achieved an important goal, send a specific handwritten (not typed!) note conveying your most sincere appreciation and admiration. This will take only one sheet of paper and five minutes out of your day…but it’ll make a lasting impression on your employee.

“When you’re a leader, you’re busy and often overwhelmed,” Patkin acknowledges. “It’s understandable that you might overlook saying the words ‘thank you,’ much less writing them. Remember, though, that positive reinforcement and sincere gratitude will increase the respect your team has for you and will improve their opinion of your entire organization. Also, it will encourage them to likewise say ‘thank you’ more often to their own subordinates within your company. Think of writing what I call ‘love notes’ as a way to invest in your company’s atmosphere and future!”

Distribute inspiration. Our society tends to think of work as a place of drudgery, obligation, and boredom, as exemplified in the now-iconic movie Office Space. People certainly don’t think of receiving inspiration and rejuvenation between nine and five. According to Patkin, though, buoying your team’s spirits should be one of your daily goals. If you help them to see the world as a sunnier place and to improve their attitudes and ways of thinking about their entire lives, their professional and personal productivity will increase too.

“If you run across a quotation or story that inspires you, don’t keep it to yourself—pass it along to an employee, and perhaps, if appropriate, also mention that the quote or anecdote reminded you of him and his great attitude,” suggests Patkin. “Alternatively, you might consider sending out a quote or lesson of the day. Yes, the idea might sound hokey at first, but I firmly believe that most people vastly underestimate the power of feeding their minds with inspirational and educational material.”

Tell success stories. Even if they brush off praise or downplay their achievements, everybody loves to be recognized and complimented. When someone in your organization has done something great, tell her that you noticed her outstanding work, and tell the rest of the team, too! Whether correctly or incorrectly, many employees feel that their leaders take them for granted and only point out their mistakes, so make it your daily mission to prove that perception wrong.

“When I was at Autopart International and I saw that one of my people did something noteworthy, I made sure that everyone else knew about it by sending the story about her accomplishment around in an email to the entire chain,” Patkin recalls. “I could literally see the glow on the highlighted employee’s face for weeks, and I also noticed that many of the other team members now worked even harder too in order to earn a write-up themselves. Remember to always praise in public as ‘loudly as possible,’ and conversely, criticize only in private!”

Identify stars. According to Patkin, identifying stars is taking the concept behind telling success stories to the next level. Yes, recognize achievements whenever you see them, but also make celebrating your stars a regular event. Sure, some team members will roll their eyes at “Employee of the Week/Month” programs, but you can rest assured that no one is going to turn down this honor.

“Instead of singling out just one person, as a special treat for Valentine’s Day, you might even consider recognizing every member of your staff,” Patkin suggests. “For example, I always wrote about several store managers in our ‘Managers of the Month’ newsletter. Later, I included assistant managers, store supervisors, store salespeople, and our drivers in this letter of champions as well. My profiles for each star would often be a full page in length, lauding both their professional achievements and wonderful personal qualities. The newsletters themselves were often thirty pages in length when finished. But I know many within the team loved to read these personalized recognitions each month, and they motivated lots of the employees to work even harder to earn a spot on the pages themselves.

“Consider putting out a special edition of your company newsletter for Valentine’s Day or creating a newsletter for the occasion if you don’t already have one. If you have a small number of employees, include a write-up about each employee, what you love about them, and how proud you are of their accomplishments. If you have too many employees to thank them individually, include a heartfelt thank-you letter that points out what goals the company met because of all of your employees’ hard work.”

Make it a family affair. Whenever possible, engage your employees’ families when praising them. Having a leader validate all the hours each team member spends at work will be remembered far longer than a bonus (really!). Plus, when spouses and kids know what Mom or Dad does at work and are “on board” with it, your employee’s performance will be buoyed by support from the ones he or she loves the most.

“For example, if an employee did something really tremendous, I would call his home, generally trying to get the answering machine and not a person,” Patkin shares. “Then I’d leave a voicemail like this one:

“Hi, (name of spouse and kids), this is Todd Patkin from Autopart International where your husband and dad works. I just want to tell you that your husband and dad is the most incredible, wonderful, amazing person in the whole world. He just broke our Nashua, New Hampshire, store’s all-time sales record. Guys, that is incredible!! So, please, kids, do me a favor. When your dad comes home tonight, everyone run up and give him a huge hug and tell him how proud you are of him and how great he is. And, (name of spouse), I hope you too will give him a big hug and a wonderful kiss to make sure he knows how much you love him and how much he is appreciated for all he’s doing for our company. Thanks, guys.

“And in fact, years later, many employees whose families received these phone calls told me that although they didn’t remember how much their bonus checks were for that year, that extra-special homecoming was still clearly etched in their memories.”

“Trust me, showing people love, appreciation, and respect trump money just about every time when it comes to building long-term motivation and boosting employee morale and loyalty,” concludes Patkin. “If you haven’t been showing your employees appreciation, let Valentine’s Day be the time for you to get back on track, and if you have been, think of creative ways to step up your efforts. When you take the time to make your employees feel valued, they’ll know that you care about them on a more personal level, and they’ll be much happier at work. And in the end, when you’ve achieved a really positive atmosphere at work and the improved bottom line that will surely come from it, you’ll feel amazing too!”

About the Author: Todd Patkin grew up in Needham, Massachusetts. After graduating from Tufts University, he joined the family business and spent the next eighteen years helping to grow it to new heights. After it was purchased by Advance Auto Parts in 2005, he was free to focus on his main passions: philanthropy and giving back to the community, spending time with family and friends, and helping more people learn how to be happy. Todd lives with his wonderful wife, Yadira, their amazing son, Josh, and two great dogs, Tucker and Hunter.

Dr. Martha Howard’s Baker’s Dozen Guide

Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching. For those who’ve waited the last minute to plan the special date, fret no more. Chicago Healers Practitioner Martha Howard, M.D offers a variety of foods that would make a perfect feast for a romantic evening. Below is your Baker’s Dozen Guide of Aphrodisiac Foods for Valentine’s Day, including a preplanned menu.

• Chocolate: The Ultimate Aphrodisiac Food – Chocolate contains anandamide and phenylethylamine (PEA) which releases dopamine in the brain’s pleasure center, resulting in feelings of attraction, excitement and euphoric pleasure. It is no secret why the box of chocolates has been a customary Valentine’s gift!

• The Almond Joy – “Back in the old days” the scents of almonds was thought to arouse passion in women, and were regarded as fertility symbols. The “back in the day” people had the right idea. Almonds contain high levels of magnesium and vitamin E. Both of these supplements have been given to men and women going through IVF treatments and have increased fertilization rates from 19 to 29 percent.

• Arugula: It’s more than a garnish – Since the beginning of time, arugula has been used as an aphrodisiac. According to the Cambridge World History of Food, arugula was combined with grated orchid bulbs, parsnips, pine nuts and pistachios to make an ‘aphrodisiac mix.’

• Asparagus: The last supper – In 19th century France, on the eve of their wedding, grooms were served three courses of asparagus at their “bachelor” dinners. Asparagus contains folic acid which is known to boost histamine production notorious for enhancing performance on the wedding night.

• Avocado: The forbidden fruit – Catholic priests in Spain deemed avocados an outlawed food because they were thought to be so “obscenely sexual.” Avocado, like asparagus is high in folic acid which produces histamine. The fruit also has vitamin B6 and potassium, which calms the nerves and controls many body processes such as heart regulation.

• Bananas: Guilty by association – Bananas, like avocados and almonds, have potassium, B vitamins and magnesium. Its real claim to fame, however, is the bromeliad enzyme, which is traditionally known to boost male libido.

• Basil: Feed the senses – Basil not only makes food smell and taste better, it stimulates circulation causing the heart to beat faster.

• Figs: An Egyptian favorite – Cleopatra’s favorite fruit was thought to stimulate sexual arousal and increase fertility.

• Ginger: The aroma of desire – Ginger is another traditional aphrodisiac, because of its ability to increase circulation and desire.

• The Honey…moon – The word “honeymoon” comes from a custom in ancient Persia. Couples drank mead (liquor made from honey) daily for a month after marriage, to get them “in the mood.”

• Licorice: The love machine- In ancient China, it was believed that the smell of licorice would enhance feelings of love and lust.

• Oysters: It’s common knowledge – Oysters are the most celebrated of aphrodisiacs. Oysters have high zinc content. Zinc is known to help produce sperm and increase libido.

• Pine Nuts: Love potion number 9- Pine nuts have been used to stimulate the libido since medieval days. They are high in zinc, like oysters, and have been used for centuries in love potions.

Now that you have the ingredients, Dr. Howard provides you with the recipe that would ensure a romantic Valentine’s night!

• Appetizer: Oysters on the half shell

• Salad: Arugula, with figs, pine nuts, avocado, and a honey and ginger dressing

• Entrée: Spaghetti with tomato-basil sauce, with grilled asparagus

• Dessert: Chocolate¬ banana almond mousse

• After dinner mints: Licorice flavor

About Chicago Healers: Chicago Healers (www.ChicagoHealers.com) is the nation’s pioneer prescreened and integrative health care network, offering a comprehensive understanding of each practitioner’s services, approach and philosophy. Its holistic health experts teach and advocate natural and empowered health and life choices through their practices, the media, educational events, and the website. With close to 200 practitioners and over 300 treatment services, Chicago Healers has provided nearly 400 free educational events for Chicagoans and has been featured in 300+ TV news programs and print publications. For more information, visit www.ChicagoHealers.com.

Create a Budget & Make a List

The key to successful and cost-effective shopping is good planning. As with most things financial, the place to start is to create a simple household budget. Maintaining a budget and planning for the holidays well in advance will help insure that you have the resources you need when the time comes to go shopping, and it will help to keep you from overextending yourself when you get caught up in the excitement of holiday shopping.

Before you make your first purchase, make a list of everyone you need to buy for and how much you plan to spend on each person in light of your budget – don’t forget co-workers, teachers, bus drivers, newspaper carries, and the babysitter. Once you have your list, stick to it! Staying focused on what you need to buy and knowing how much you have to spend will make shopping excursions fun rather than a chore.

Shopping trips should not be haphazard, so never leave the house without a shopping list. A good list minimizes confusion, especially if you intend to make purchases at multiple stores. And when you get to a store, only go to the departments and aisles that have the items on your list. Avoiding detours to other departments will save both time and money.

Too Many Gifts & Not Enough Money

If your budget is tight, you may have to come up with ways to limit the number of gifts you give. By limiting gift buying, it’s easier to stay within your budget.

If you have a large family or traditionally exchange gifts with extended family, it might be time to start a new tradition. This year have a “family gift exchange” in which each person draws the name of one person for whom to buy a gift. You can even put a cap on the amount to spend.

Only buy gifts for close family and special friends. For more distant relationships, set boundaries. Instead of buying gifts, give baked goods and treats to neighbors, teachers, and the paperboy. Or instead of exchanging gifts with friends and neighbors, get together at someone’s house to enjoy a cup of hot chocolate or glass of wine and wrap presents together.

Cash or Credit

One way to save money is to make a commitment to pay cash for holiday gifts. Set specific amounts that you can afford to spend on each person on your gift list, and then only carry enough cash to cover the cost of the gifts you intend to buy on each shopping trip. Having a limited supply of funds and a set maximum to spend on each gift will help “tone down” your spending and prevent post-holiday debt worries.

Another way to save is to use your credit cards like cash by keeping a running tally of your credit card spending. When you come home from a day of shopping, immediately subtract the amount you’ve charged from your checking account balance to ensure that you’ll have enough money in the account to pay the bill when it arrives.

Instead of using credit to fund all of your holiday purchases this year, try using credit cards only for limited expenses – for example, when shopping online, when shopping over the phone, or when traveling.

Happy Shopping! And remember . . . the things you buy for others for one day are not nearly as important as what you do for others the rest of the year.

Paul Vazquez lives in Florida with his wife and four children. He is the Director of Media Relations at Keycode.com, an online discount and promotion code company.

This article is excerpted from the Holiday Gift Guide for 2011. Be sure and check it out and read other articles about the holidays. It’s also great to add to your online shopping experience! 

Should you or Shouldn’t You? How to be a Thoughtful Regifter by Heidi Richards Mooney

Okay, admit it! You have given away a gift that wasn’t exactly to your liking, haven’t you? Well if you haven’t it is likely you thought about it. After all, just because the tea set doesn’t match your dinner ware, doesn’t mean its not a great gift for someone you know. A tea drinker. Who loves fancy cups and saucers, I imagine.

And then there’s those things we get like clothing and jewelry that don’t exactly match our personal style. Maybe you know someone who would appreciate them and actually get some use out of the gift, or not. And therein lies the challenge. What to regift and what not to regift. Should you return it, give it away ro regift.

Yes, ’tis the season to be giving and receiving with gracious gratitude, but lets be honest. Note every gift is going to be put to use. And the only thing worse than a gift we can’t use is a gift we can’t or won’t use that sits for years in a closet unopened because we didn’t have the heart to do something worthwhile with it.

Anytime you have the option of returning a gift for the right size, color or something more suitable, that is perfectly acceptable. I mean if someone gives you a gift and guessed at your size (I have a family member who is notorious for buying the wrong sizes. The only problem is she buys them on clearance and often there are no more even remotely close to what she first picked out. They are often really pretty but not always something I will ever wear. Gift receipts come in really handy for these types of returns. Make sure if you are the giver of the gift, to include one – just in case.

According to Peggy Post (great granddaughter to Emily Post) “It’s okay as long as people’s feelings won’t be hurt. The gift must be brand new and it can’t be something the original giver took great pains to select.”

One year someone gave me a bread maker, that to this day I never used. But my sister in law loves to bake bread and so I asked her if she would like it and she was simply delighted! I would never give that type of gift to someone who didn’t have it on their “wish list” or had told me directly they wanted a bread baker. But some people would.

I should also admit right now that most of the gifts I receive don’t end up going to people I know well. I most often use them as door prizes for events I attend or raffle/auction items. This of course, only works with NEW gifts. But then again if it was used, it would not be proper to regift.

If you receive a duplicate gift (something you already have) maybe its time you passed the older one on to someone else who could get some use out of them.

 Here are 15 things to keep in mind when deciding to regift:

1. Who gave you the gift (I keep a slip of paper either in the box the gift came in or on a bag I store the gift in. That saves embarrassment not to regift to someone who gave the gift to me in the first place.

2. Use caution when tossin’ – if the item is something the person who gave them to you loves and you want to stay in her/his good graces, don’t immediately get “rid” of the gift. You never know when the question will arise during a visit “sweetie, where are those lovely crystal candle holders I gave you for Christmas last year?”

3. Only regift items in their original package. The gift should be in the same condition it was when it was purchased.

4. Never regift handmade or personalized items. Or perishables.

5. If you do regift food items with a long shelf life, be sure to check expiration dates first. Never give away “expired” food.

6. Don’t regift outdated technology such as software, or other electronics unless you know for certain the recipient will be “thrilled” to receive such a gift.

7. Only regift to someone you truly believe would love the gift. Otherwise it isn’t really a gift, it’s a hand-me-down.

8. Think before you regift. If you are almost 100% sure that no one will have hurt fealings if you regift, then by all means do so. Otherwise, don’t do it!

9. If you do plan to regift, be sure you wrap it up nice and pretty. Make it look important and the recipient will feel important when she/he gets your gift.

Alternatives to regifting:

10. Give them to organizations that can resell or give them to people in need.

11. Sell them at a yard sale (be careful you don’t invite the gift giver over to help.

12. Use as a raffle or door prize at an event. I often get gifts from our readers that go almost untouched (books being the only exception). I will either give those away during a meeting, or create a lovely gift basket filled with nice items to use as a door prize. These baskets are often the most popular items with the highest number of ”bidders.”

13. Contact Freecycle.org – a social network filled with people from all over the United States who want to pass things on to others who could use them. “The Freecycle Network™ is made up of 5,004 groups with 8,854,844 members around the world. It’s a grassroots and entirely nonprofit movement of people who are giving (and getting) stuff for free in their own towns. It’s all about reuse and keeping good stuff out of landfills”. Freecycle is free to join.

14. Check out FreeSharing.org – similar to Freecycle, on a smaller scale.

15. Sell those unwanted (but useful) gifts on eBay or CraigsList. You can use the money earned to buy gifts for others (or yourself) that are wanted. Or you can donate the proceeds to a charity.

And finally, remember this, “regifting is simply another term for “recycling” which means its good for the planet. Better to end up in someone else’s closet than a landfill.

This article is excerpted from the Holiday Gift Guide for 2011. Be sure and check it out and read other articles about the holidays. It’s also great to add to your online shopping experience!

Guiding Signs 101 to Shape a Holiday Season That’s Right for YOU by Kathleen McIntire

For many of us, the holiday season is fraught with powerful and often conflicting emotions. Memories from childhood, leftover grief, and the expectations of others get as tangled up in our minds as strands of colored lights. And that, says Kathleen McIntire, is why when someone asks us what we really want out of the holidays we may realize that we just don’t know.

“Let’s say you’re a single woman who lives far from your extended family and you’re trying to figure out whether you want to go home for Christmas,” explains McIntire. “There’s not always a clear answer. On one hand you don’t want to upset your family. On the other, you’re exhausted from traveling and would like to just relax in your own home. But if you stay put, will you feel depressed and lonely on Christmas Day? Should you consider a third option—perhaps going out of town with a friend instead?”

McIntire’s Guiding Signs 101 cards can serve as a tool for helping you make the holiday decisions that are right for you. Each one features an everyday road sign—yield, road narrows, speed bump, etc.—that has a deeper meaning attached to it. The cards are intended to be a “bridge” that helps people get in touch with their own intuition and wisdom.

Here’s how to use the cards:

1. Become present. Take a few deep breaths and connect to your heart center.

2. Ask. Concentrate on your question or say it aloud. Clear questions will result in clear answers.

3. Shuffle with the deck face down.

4. Draw a card. You can divide the pack in half and turn one half over to reveal your card, or you can spread the cards out on a surface and let yourself be guided to a card. Whatever works for you!

Here are two ways to let them guide you this holiday season:

1. Ask an open-ended question. Addressing whomever you believe provides guidance (God, your higher self, your spirit guides), say, “Please give me clarity on what I need to do to have a joyful holiday season.” Then, consult the cards.

Imagine that you get the “phone” card. This is the communication card. After reading the deeper meaning in the guidebook you realize that you should call your mother. As you talk to her about your mixed feelings on coming home for the holidays, a clear answer may come to you.

2. Ask a “yes or no” question. For this, use only the green- and red-light cards. Ask a very specific question: “Should I spend the holidays at home?” Or even better: “Is it in my highest and best interests to spend the holidays at home?” A green light would mean yes, and a red light no.

Kathleen McIntire is a transformational teacher, speaker, and healer who is dedicated to bringing forth truth, liberation, and awakening. She is the author and creator of Guiding Signs 101, a set of divination cards and guidebook using everyday road signs to tap into your intuition and own inner guidance. She is the steward of MoonBear Sanctuary, located on 28 acres in Northern California. The retreat center located there provides cutting-edge workshops as well as ceremonies, study groups, and symposiums. Kathleen, whose focus is on restoring the feminine power, also leads sacred journeys with women. She has led journeys to the Andes and rainforest of Ecuador. Her next journey is to Guatemala; it will revolve around the 0-day Mayan Calendar.

Kathleen’s website addresses are www.soaringinlight.com and www.guidingsigns101.com.

This article is excerpted from the Holiday Gift Guide for 2011. Be sure and check it out and read other articles about the holidays. It’s also great to add to your online shopping experience! While you are at it check out the SendOutCards.com website and get the first card free!

Dr. LeslieBeth Wish, Ed.D., MSS

Gearing up for holiday spirit is not easy these days. Unemployment numbers have barely declined, more adult children are living at home, and debts are rising. Added to this economic pressure is the other daunting holiday task–dealing with your family. Even if your family is filled with love and support, facing the holidays when you are struggling with grief and loss can be a challenge.

Mourning can come in many forms, and it is not useful to compare which kinds of losses are worse. Perhaps a loved one died. The person in the seat where your partner, child or parent usually sat seems out of place, to have broken the family rituals. That was Dad’s seat, you think. Or maybe you are in mourning over the ailing health or injury in a loved one or you. Divorce and separation count, too, as losses. So do lay-offs or foreclosures. It is not a contest of who hurts more. A loss is a loss.

Regardless of the details of your grief it’s normal to be in a fog, a slump, a going-mad feeling. You notice that the world moved on, the little nieces and nephews are now old enough to sneak candy, you want to smile, but your mind and heart are not working well. You wonder why your feelings are both dulled and intense and why those dark circles under your eyes won’t go away.

I’ve been both a psychologist and licensed clinical social worker for a long time, and the increase in appointments from November to January has always gotten to me. I’m moved by the emotional pain that my clients have to endure in general. But the holidays make it worse. The cheery music and decorations, the ads on television for watches, sweaters, rings and earrings only seem to remind my clients that once again the season is a mix of family obligations and the usual problems of disappointment, disagreements and disapprovals from them. But to see my clients struggle with on-going family issues and loss at holiday times seems wrong.

I am no stranger to grief, having lost, for example, a mother early and then two step-mothers. And now our daughter is ill. But over the years, I’ve developed some techniques that make the holidays not only easier but, yes, a fun time of joy and gratitude. Here are some tested tips that have worked not only for me but for my clients as well. You don’t have to do all of them—and some may not apply to your situation. Mourning is an unpleasant and often scary experience, and every family develops its own style of managing death, illness and loss according to their comfort zone with uncomfortable feelings. Perhaps these suggestions will spark ideas that fit with you and your family.

1. Do toasts, honors and thanks. Go around the table and have anyone who wants to speak say something funny, heart-warming or appreciative of the deceased. If people are too shy, you could ask them to write down their words on a piece of paper, fold it up, place it in a bowl that you pass around the table and then read or have someone else read out loud. You could also ask everyone to write or say what makes them grateful this year. Or, have a moment of silence or prayer where the family joins hands. One of my clients prepared her Dad’s favorite salad of greens and strawberries and then asked everyone to hold up their forks in honor of him. “Remember how he used to go around the table and take one strawberry out of some of your bowls,” she said. Everyone laughed.

2. Give words of encouragement. During dinner you can also use the same technique of having people say or write positive words of encouragement or praise to those who are ill, injured, unemployed, in mourning or divorced. For example, one of the families I counseled made a scrap book of kind thoughts, ideas and appreciation for a family member who was going through a divorce. Even children can participate.

3. Bring out the camera and camcorders. Videotape others telling stories about the deceased or saying kind words to the ill or newly single. Take pictures or show old ones. Children often love to be recorded. You’ll be creating new memories and traditions that you can view at the next holiday. “I couldn’t believe how I’d changed in just a year,” one of my clients said when she watched the video from the year before. I thought I’d never feel happy, but here I am, smiling.” Children also love to see how much they’ve changed and grown.

4. Do charitable deeds as a family—especially for charities and causes that pertain to your loss or situation. Giving can bring families closer together and make the grieving person feel less alone. Helping others is great medicine. When Barbara Bush, wife of former U.S. President George Bush, got very depressed after the death of her three year-old daughter Robin, she decided to get involved in charity work. She said the experience healed her. Helping others puts your grief in perspective and builds a network of social connections and the emotional support that has proven to be most valuable in grief management. You and your family can also establish your own intimate network. Ahead of time, go through the closets, the garage and toys to select items to donate. One of my clients established a new tradition after the loss of her husband. She told her children that they would not get any presents unless they gave some things to charity. Pick organizations that mean something to you personally.

5. Get elegant or silly. What you wear can often change your and your family’s attitude. Getting dressed up, especially for the first holiday of your loss, is one way to include and honor your deceased loved one, for example. If your family loathes putting on the good clothes, ask everyone to wear something silly such as a hat that can then easily be removed. When one of my clients said she felt too tired to put on a dress, the family decided that they would come in their most comfortable clothes. Her grandfather came wearing a bathrobe over his tee shirt and sweatpants. They took photos and placed them in an album that they looked at the following year.

6. Ask for help and advice. If you are in mourning for any reason, let others know what you need from them. Most people really don’t know what to say. Grief can make people so uncomfortable that, even if they feel for you, they go silent. Don’t get angry or feel alone if your family doesn’t come through in the exact ways you need. They aren’t mind-readers. Express what would help you by standing up and read your Request List. Perhaps you would like someone to call you on a Saturday night or go with you to the doctor’s or your favorite restaurant. Or maybe you would like others to stop calling you so much.

Asking for advice is a great way to quiet those critical, busy-bodies who always have to put in their two-cents worth. Don’t let these people bring you down. More than likely, they are very uneasy about your situation. After all, illness or accidents, for example, could happen to all of us. Don’t get stuck bristling at their intrusive comments or questions such as: “Aren’t you dating yet?” “He wasn’t such a great catch anyway.” “You look pale.” Instead, co-opt their negativity and know-it-all nature by seeking their recommendations. You’d be surprised at how tongue-tied or even kinder your meddling cousin can get. My client got so fed up with the negative comments from her Aunt Bertha—whom the family called Black-Cloud Bertha, that she mustered her bravery and asked her aunt when precisely she should start dating again, where to meet men, how long to mourn and how soon she could have sex again. Aunt Bertha clammed up really quickly. This approach could garner you some good recommendations, but, more importantly, it can show others that they really don’t know how to solve your problems after all. The key is to ask for help in earnest and without sarcasm.

7. Educate others about grief. When my client’s mother said to her at the Thanksgiving table, “I can’t believe you’re still crying over your divorce,” one of my clients didn’t miss a beat. She said, “I know Sam wasn’t the best husband, but I still feel sad that it didn’t work. Let me tell you what I learned about mourning an unhappy relationship.” She took out some notes that she obtained from self-help books and read them. “By the time I finished, everyone got very quiet. My mom came up to me and gave me a hug and said, ‘I didn’t realize.’” Take charge by teaching others. It will lessen your anger and disappointment in your family.

Finally, don’t be afraid to have solemn or sad moments at the holidays. Shared grief can bring people closer. None of these suggestions are easy, but you deserve and need the emotional support. I wish you a very happy, wise and brave holiday season.

Dr. LeslieBeth Wish, ED.D., MSS is a noted psychologist and licensed clinical social worker, specializing in relationships. For her book about women and love, she welcomes women to take her 17-20 minute online research survey at www.lovevictory.com. Also on her website, if you donate $5 to Habitat for Humanity-Sarasota, Florida, you can receive a download of her relationship advice cartoon book for women, “The Love Adventures of Almost Smart Cookie.” Follow Dr. Wish on Facebook, Twitter and Linked In.

Don’t buy things that people don’t want. The biggest waste of money is buying something for someone that ends up on the floor of their closet or stuck on a shelf in the garage. Always remember that gift giving is about someone else’s wants and needs, and whether you like a certain item isn’t always relevant.

In cases where you’re just not sure what to get, consider a gift card or gift certificate. A gift card makes a great gift for babysitters, newspaper carriers, doormen, teachers, and others. They are a perfect way to make sure the recipient gets what they want and a great way to stick to a budget. Caveats: buy gift cards from reputable suppliers, make sure the cards have no associated fees or expiration date, and make sure that any security code or redemption number on the card is unexposed.

Don’t wait until the last minute to do your shopping. Many retailers will have limited inventory this year because of the economy. Waiting too long to make your purchase may significantly limit your choices.

Spread out holiday purchases throughout the year – or at least throughout the holiday season. Last minute shopping often results in unnecessary purchases, and getting caught in the “holiday rush” makes it more difficult to stay committed to a budget.

The sooner you know what you want to buy, the sooner you can start looking for ways to save money. Become diligent about checking weekly newspaper ads and flyers. Sign up to receive emails from your favorite retailers, regularly check their websites for special offers, and use the Internet to comparison shop. The more legwork you do from home, the more time, money, and gas you will save.

If you get your holiday shopping done early, BE CAREFUL! Just because you’re finished shopping doesn’t mean that you won’t continue to be inundated with holiday ads from retailers. Avoid the temptation to keep buying all those deals that are “too good to pass up.” If you do end up buying something, be prepared to take something else back.

Watch your personal belongings at all times when you’re out shopping – this includes handbags and shopping bags. Be particularly careful at the register when you can get easily distracted making your purchases.

Keep cash in a safe place while shopping, and pull out of your wallet or purse only the amount you need to make a purchase.

Keep all purchased items in the trunk of the car or otherwise out of sight. And whenever possible, park near a light if you know it will be dark by the time you are done shopping.

Before you leave home, make sure you write down all important credit card information and put it someplace safe. This includes the account number and the customer service phone number on the back of the card. One easy way to do this is to make a photocopy of the front and back of each card. If a card is lost or stolen while you’re shopping, report it immediately.

Make sure you keep all receipts from credit or debit card purchases. As your credit card and bank statements arrive after the holidays, compare them to your saved receipts. If you see any errors, promptly dispute the charges or debits.

Have fun shopping, and here’s hoping that you and your family have a safe and happy holiday season.

Paul Vazquez lives in Florida with his wife and four children. He is the Director of Media Relations at Keycode.com, an online discount and promotion code company.

This article is excerpted from the Holiday Gift Guide for 2011. Be sure and check it out and read other articles about the holidays. It’s also great to add to your online shopping experience! While you are at it check out Celebrate Age a perfect stocking stuffer! And for the person who has everything, buy them a domain name at WECAIDomains.com!

The resourceful folks at Rocky Flats Gear, http://www.rockyflatsgear.com/, are the US manufacturer of a radiation shielding garment for individuals, with an emphasis on protecting the traveling public from radiation generated by security equipment…and they have a sense of humour too! The men’s briefs are available with a strategically placed fig leaf and the women’s briefs have a pair of clasped hands demurely shielding enquiring eyes. Of course, women’s protective bras are also available.

Both men’s and women’s undergarments are available in a variety of colours and sizes and, yup, there are even kid’s undies too! I can barely contain myself – see me biting my tongue here?

There are 2 types of briefs for both men and women – one with a token of a fig leaf and one that protects just about everything you keep inside you from your waist down, depending on how shy or paranoid you might be. Prices for basic bashfulness are $17.76 for demure women and $19.84 for modest men.

But before you make your final choice, check out the special packages – both men and women can buy a ‘Threat Level’ package that has 5 pair of briefs in 5 colours (Five Fun Colors: Red, Orange, Yellow, Green and Blue) to match the Homeland Security Threat Level of the day and the website graciously provides a link to the Homeland Security website so you can coordinate properly on your day of travel. Now that’s funny! Men’s briefs also come in a Patriot Pack of red, white and blue for $49.00. I guess women in the U.S. aren’t very patriotic. More tongue biting.

I think this company has shown amazing ingenuity, tempered with a lot of humour! Good for them for 1) cashing in on one of the hottest controversies and 2) making fun of the Federal Transportation Security Administration. I’m tempted to order a pair or two just to be in on all the fun and to voice my ridicule at this incredible over-reaction by Homeland Security. Come on guys; get a grip will ya?

Of course we all want secure flights, but this blanket application of the thinking that everyone is a suspect is kind of Orwellian, Animal Farm-ish, isn’t it? What if your 90 year old spinster Aunt Hazel or bachelor Uncle Felix had to submit to this? Wouldn’t that be just wrong to think of someone looking at something only Hazel or Felix had seen for the past 90 years? Isn’t that kind of an ‘ew’ moment? A picture that you never want to have in your mind, let alone in the mind of some security person at an airport?

So if I’m on your gift list this Christmas, you know what to give me. There’s nothing like briefs with a sense of humour for that discerning person on your gift list!

©Marcia Barhydt 2011

This article is excerpted from the Holiday Gift Guide for 2011. Be sure and check it out and read other articles about the holidays. It’s also great to add to your online shopping experience! While you are at it check out Oneness perfume by Shawn Rae and Eve’s Apples Lingerie in case you still want to send the “sexy underwear)! (Click on the ad to see the full version)

Without Spending A Dime!

New report says almost 70 percent of people will give less this holiday season and so supporters are getting creative with their giving

 As the economy continues to squeeze donors, a recent report conducted by Campbell Rinker showed disturbing results—that nearly 7 in 10 Americans say they will give more sparingly to charities in the coming months. As a result, people are looking for other ways to support their favorite causes this holiday giving season. Here are five ways people can “give without giving”:

1. Shop online. GoodShop.com works with more than 2,500 retailers (including Amazon, Gap, Target, Staples and Macy’s) to give a percentage of almost every purchase back to the shopper’s favorite charity. In addition, GoodShop lists more than 100,000 coupons so that shoppers can save money and do good at the same time! GoodShop currently works with more than 102,000 charities and schools. We can provide you with a list in your area. See how it works here!
2. Search the Internet: GoodSearch.com donates about a penny per search to the charity the user designates. It’s powered by Yahoo so users get great search results! Together with GoodShop, GoodSearch has raised more than $8 million for charity! See how it works here!
3. Redeem credit card points. Ask members to turn their unused credit card points into a charitable donation to your cause. Both American Express and Citi Card offer this program.
4. Volunteer: There are a handful of companies that match volunteer hours with funds. For example, Microsoft will match volunteer time at $17 an hour through its Volunteer Time Matching program. Boeing, Exxon, Intel, Chevron, and Bank of America have similar programs.
5. Dine out: GoodDining.com works with more than 10,000 restaurants across the country and each time you dine, up to 6% of what you spend is donated to your favorite charity. We can provide you a list of restaurants in your area.
6. Recycle your old electronics: Send your electronics to Gazelle.com and cash generated from that will be donated to charity.

About GoodSearch-Headquartered in San Francisco, CA, GoodSearch empowers people to change the world through simple everyday actions that raise money for causes people care most about. Launched in 2005, the service currently includes GoodSearch, a Yahoo-powered search engine and GoodShop, an online shopping and coupon portal which works with more than 2,500 top merchants including jcpenny, Lands’ End, Staples, and HP, and now GoodDining. To date, GoodSearch has donated more than $8 million to over 102,000 charities and schools designated by its users.

This article is excerpted from the Holiday Gift Guide for 2011. Be sure and check it out and read other articles about the holidays. It’s also great to add to your online shopping experience! While you’re at it be sure to check out the great giftware found at 7eStudio and Mumbani

I find that the majority of my clients are stressed-out to the max by this time of year and often arrive at my office looking like they can barely hold it together anymore. By the time some of them sit down in the chair across from me, they are already in tears saying something to the tune of “It’s too much. I’m so overwhelmed. I hate this time of year. I just want it be over”. They look at me searchingly, as if I can somehow take away their stress, cancel the holiday season, or perhaps, take their relatives off their hands for a few days. Of course, a therapist has none of these superpowers. But one thing I can do, and often find is helpful to these particular women, is to give them the time and space they need to just sit, breathe deeply, and find their centre again. We just sit and take some deep breaths together until they feel the panic and stress lift off of their tired shoulders. This can take a few minutes in some cases. That’s okay. Take the time you need to breathe deeply, centre yourself, and let the stress of the season wash right off your entire body.

During the holiday season, we need to stop, breathe, and meditate as often as we possibly can- even if we think we can’t! All you need is a couple of minutes and if you have to lock yourself in a bathroom to do it, go for it!

And for homework, what I often suggest clients in this state do is to declare one half-hour for themselves during which they will have no interruptions and can hide out somewhere alone where they feel peaceful and write a journal entry answering the following questions:

If I were to throw away all of society’s expectations of the holidays and what everyone else tells me I should be doing at this time of year…

How would I celebrate this holiday? What would be meaningful to me?

What does this holiday mean to me personally?

How could I find some spiritual meaning in the holidays? How would I express that (i.e., what rituals/ceremonies/activities would I want to perform?)

What did I love about this season as a child? How could I get some of that feeling back now?

Who do I most want to spend the holidays with? Whose memory do I want to honour during this season? How could I do that?

Even if I am obligated to do things/spend time with people I don’t really enjoy this season, how can I make the most of it and decrease the negatives as much as possible?

How will I carve out time for personal reflection/self-care/down-time during this season?

Esther Kane, MSW, Registered Clinical Counsellor, is the author of the book and audio program, “It’s Not About the Food: A Woman’s Guide To Making Peace with Food and Our Bodies” (www.endyoureatingdisorder.com) and “Dump That Chump”(www.dumpthatchump.com). Sign up for her free monthly e-zine to uplift and inspire women at: http://www.estherkane.com.

This article is excerpted from the Holiday Gift Guide for 2011. Be sure and check it out and read other articles about the holidays. It’s also great to add to your online shopping experience! While you’re at it be sure to check out the great giftware found at Celtic Attic.

visit www.CelticAttic.com today!