It’s okay to be anxious about making changes or facing your family’s questions or disapproval. Anxiety accompanies all important changes in life-and usually visits home! Time is ticking. Just what do you want on your tombstone: Here lies a woman who died lonely because she was too scared to get out there, get over past hurts and family reactions, and risk love?

Begin with small, concrete steps. Here’s a quick list of the most common issues of single women who want to find a partner.

Issue # 1: “There’s something wrong me because I’m single. I don’t have anyone to bring-or whom I want to bring-to family and friend gatherings. And I don’t enjoy being with my family on the holidays anyway.”

Do List your positive qualities and review them.

Turn your visits with your family into your personal research project about you and your family. Step back emotionally and observe what they taught you about love, trust, the world and men and women. Ask yourself: What does my family want from me? What do I want from them? Do I have to believe in their view of the world, love, and men and women?

Don’t measure your whole self by a few things such as being single.

Don’t get defensive, critical or argumentative; sulky and pouty or withdrawn and negative about yourself when you are with your family. SURPRISE THEM! Don’t do what you usually do. By acting differently, you change how they eventually must act and think about you. It’s normal for them to resist the new you at first. But stick with it. Let them see a new you, but do it without getting nasty. Remember, the person who loses her cool, loses the advantage.

Also, as a starting exercise in dealing with your family’s reactions, regard everything they do or say to you or about you as statements about themselves. Put yourself in observer mode so you minimize your reactivity. Instead, think whether you repeat the same patterns and beliefs of your parents-or you with your parents–in some way in your relationships.

Issue#2: “It’s too late for me to change–and I don’t know how.”

Do Review your past to learn about your dating patterns, fears and phase of life or life events that contributed to your falling in love when you did and why you picked a certain kind of man. Date lots of different kinds of men. And give most of them at least a second chance. Don’t rule out so quickly someone because he “isn’t your type.” After all, dating your type hasn’t worked.

Be brave, go forward and face your fears. Learn your unique stress triggers. For example, did you fall in love and find the next Mr. Too Wrong while you were experiencing a great deal of stress?

Don’t ignore, rationalize or minimize your past behavior. Time is short. Why make excuses when you know, really know in your heart that you are unhappy. But don’t give up or beat yourself up emotionally. Don’t be afraid of emotional pain or anxiety. Don’t do nothing and hope for the best. Don’t more of the same failed efforts. If your attempts to make changes don’t work, get professional help.

Issue #3: “I don’t have the time so I’ll just get depressed now and worry about feeling or looking better later. Besides, I’ve been hurt, I’m not ready and it’s too hard to date anyway. And if love is in the cards, then it will just happen. They say it comes into your life when you’re not looking.”

Do Get specific about what you want to change. If you want to lose weight, for example, join a gym, get a trainer, go with friends to the gym, and control your portions. And don’t fall for your BS excuse: “I’m not ready.” What are you waiting for-a horrible report from your doctor? Or for Mr. Right-Enough to just waltz into your life? Good things rarely drop out of the sky. Opportunities come to the prepared mind and proactive behavior.

Volunteer–it’s the best depression-buster. If your depression won’t lift, go see your doctor.

Forgive yourself. The only thing you gain by beating yourself up is that you stay the same. But being in the same-old/same-old situation is what’s making you so unhappy. Withstand the emotional discomfort and make a commitment to changing what’s bothering you the most. Measure your progress in no less than two week intervals. Allow for “forgiveness wiggle room.”

Seek different types of men and learn what you like and don’t like about them–and what you need and don’t need for yourself. Make your goal to read men and trust your judgment of them–instead of making your goal to find The One.

Don’t plod along, do nothing and hope for the best. Don’t isolate yourself and hide out-or hope that men will somehow just find you.

Don’t punish yourself with too much food, drink or drugs.

Dr. LeslieBeth Wish is both a nationally recognized psychologist and licensed clinical social worker. You can read her weekly column, “Relationship Realities,” by going to www.qualityhealth.com (a Top Ten Health Site) and signing up for the Relationships and Sexual Health Newsletter. She is doing research for her book on the love issues of today’s successful women. Join the research and help other women by going to www.lovevictory.com , clicking in the Research box and taking the online survey. It takes about 17 minutes to take it, you leave all your contact information at the end and write the word WE, she will contact you with FREE feedback & suggestions.

For a stress-free shopping experience BE SURE TO CHECK OUT THE WE MAGAZINE FOR WOMEN HOLIDAY GIFT-GIVING GUIDE TODAY!

Here are some helpful tips to make the holidays meaningful and joyful during your painful transition:

1. Don’t think you’re the only one facing this problem. In the U.S. 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce.

2. Stay in the present. Don’t dwell on holidays in the past. Try to make the present and future your new reality and put more meaning and traditions into your holiday than before.

3. Take care of yourself. Now’s not the time to let yourself neglect your health. Pamper yourself with a massage or a new haircut; go to a movie or make more plans with your friends to give yourself an emotional boost. In my book “The Beauty Prescription” we encourage women to find a “beauty buddy” to share beauty and together time to make them feel more attractive and alive.

4. Study something new. If you’ve always wanted to study a new language or take up a new hobby like painting or ceramics, sign up for classes that would begin right after the holidays.

5. Be the adult parent for your children. Try to minimize fights on the phone prior to the holidays to make them as pleasant as possible for your kids.

6. Spread good cheer. If you had good relationships with your “ex’s” parents or siblings, extend holiday greetings to them even if they are the ones who act uncomfortable. They might not reciprocate but it will make you feel better.

Eva Ritvo MD, co-author of The Beauty Prescription: The Complete Formula for Looking and Feeling Beautiful (McGraw-Hill) is a Miami psychiatrist and psychotherapist. She is also the lead author of the Concise Guide to Marriage and Family Therapy and has written the chapters on Family and Couples Therapy for the leading psychiatric textbooks. For more on the book and on Eva, please go to: http://drritvo.com/.

There are only 15 shopping days before Christmas! BE SURE TO CHECK OUT THE WE MAGAZINE FOR WOMEN HOLIDAY GIFT-GIVING GUIDE TODAY!

This brought to mind a man I dated in the mid eighties, no not him, the 1980′s. His family migrated from Mexico before he was born. They were migrant farmers during most of his childhood, and the children worked alongside their parents in the fields as soon as they were old enough to do so. Sam, my friend’s name, told the story that after he was born, with little money to spare and living in the dilapidated housing provided for the “pickers”, his mother used the bottom dresser drawer as his basinette.

Sam was the youngest of three brothers and was working as well as putting himself through college. His parents, now in their early seventies had long since retired but held firmly to their old world attitudes and beliefs.

After we had been dating for a few months I suggested that we invite his parents to Sunday dinner. I had met them briefly on several occasions but never spent an evening with them and was interested in getting to know them better.

There were six of us at the table, Sam, his parents, myself and my two children. His father sat at the head of the table and I watched as his mother pushed the chair in for him. Then she unfolded his napkin and laid it in his lap. He requested water so into the kitchen she went returning it quickly and asking if there was anything else he needed before she herself took her seat. My son, after watching this, decided that he too would like some water. I shot him a quick look requiring no further explanation and he got himself up and got water from the kitchen.

I served fluffy mashed potatoes, fresh zucchini with mushrooms, and pork medallions with Bernaise sauce along with a tossed salad with garden vegetables. The Mrs. was seated next to me on the other end of the table. At one point he said something in Spanish and she got up and went to the bowl of mashed potatoes sitting directly to his left and placed more on his plate. I don’t think the woman ever ate or sat for more than five minutes during the entire meal. For me, this was a different world.

The only other time I’ve seen such behavior was in Arkansas. Invited to a dinner by one of the foremen my husband worked with, we accepted. I’d seen them often socially but never been to their house. The lady of the house was quiet and reminded me of one of those pioneer women who’s black and white pictures you see hanging in museums. Not quick to smile, their hard lives stamped clearly across their faces.

When we drove up the men were congregated in the front yard examining a new deer rifle one of them had purchased. I left my husband with his people at that point to add to the sizable testosterone pool and went inside.

The ladies congregated in the kitchen as dinner preparations were in full swing. I was handed a cold beer, an apron and an oven mitt. Apparently this was some form of initiation. Soon I was stirring beans and setting the long bunk house style table in the dining room. There were about sixteen of us at the house but I was only given eight placemats. I came back to ask where I could find the other eight, and was informed that the women were going to eat in the kitchen after the men were through eating. Hello?

It was explained to me that the men got first choice of the better pieces of meat, etc., and apparently the rest was thrown in a tin pie plate for the cooks to fight over. To quote Scarlett, “Fiddle-de-dee”. Had I passed through another dimension? My husband was obviously really enjoying this. I told him he’d better get a quick picture because that was the last time he was ever to going to experience it in my lifetime.

The men ate, laughed, scratched, then stood up with never a plate removed from the table or a thank you expressed, except for my husband who fully understood the significance of a pillow left on the couch. Just a series of healthy burps, and then they adjourned to the porch for a smoke and an after dinner Jack Daniels. Weird how different everyone is from one place to another. Certainly all southerners do not conduct themselves like that, but it did make for something of a unique kind of evening.

I heard a statistic the other day that something like 32% of marriages end in divorce due to lack of equal distribution of the workload, either in child rearing, errand running, or household chores. That’s an interesting statistic. As with all partnerships, be they work related or personal, when the burden falls heavily on one partners shoulders and lightly or not at all on the other, eventually resentment is liable to build. I take good care of the man in my life, and sometimes I spoil him, but it’s reciprocated so I do it because I enjoy doing it and not because I’m expected to do it. My thoughts for today.

Pork Medallions

14 oz. loin of pork, trimmed and boned
flour
salt and pepper to taste
paprika
2 Tbsp. butter
1 1/2 oz. shallots
1 1/2 cups dry white wine
1 1/2 pts. beef stock
1 Tbsp. fresh chives, chopped
3 oz. bacon, diced
1 1/2 oz. finely chopped onion
Chopped fresh parsley for garnish

Slice the loin of pork thinly. Flatten slightly with a rolling pin or mallet. Season with salt, pepper, and paprika. Dredge in flour. Melt butter in shallow skillet. Add medallions to skillet and cook until evenly browned. Remove and place on warmed platter to keep warm.

Sauce

Add shallots, wine, beef stock, and chopped chives to skillet. Bring to boil and reduce by 1/4.

In another pan, saute bacon and onion until golden brown. Add this to the reduced stock mixture.

Place sliced pork on plate and spoon sauce mixture over top. Top with Bearnaise sauce and sprinkle with chopped parsley.

Becoming “single again” is scary and it may feel you are riding an emotional roller coaster ride. Unfortunately, being single again is never a neat, straight line. You take two steps forward and three steps back. One moment you feel like you are on top of the world and two minutes later you could easily be in a heap of tears, confused, and filled with fear.

I used to be where you are now! Having been a divorced single mom for fourteen years, I understand your challenges, frustrations and feelings. After my divorce, I not only had to adjust to being a single mom of two children, ages twelve and nine at the time, I also had to learn how to do the once shared to-do list on my own, plus start thinking about a new career. At times, I felt so overwhelmed and tired with all of the new challenges and wondered how I could do it all.

One day, I had a huge wake-up call when one of my friends said to me, “If you crumble, so will your children.” That’s all I needed to hear. From that day forward, I realized that I had to take care of myself and get the support I needed in order to be the best I could be for my children as well as for myself. Getting that help changed my life! Now I’m committed to guiding women through their transitions during and after divorce.

To keep moving FORWARD, I would encourage you to work with a life coach who specializes in divorce. She will offer a different kind of support than you can not get from your therapist, friends, and family. Your life coach will help you move gracefully into your future with appropriate boundaries, better communication skills, coping strategies, stress management, self care, and time management. If you have children, learning how to communication with your former spouse should be at the top of your list of things to learn. These same communication skills will also help when you when you start to date again.

The Single Again! Now What? 5 Week E-course Mentoring Program provides the necessary skills and tools women need to QUICKLY move their lives forward after divorce or the loss of a loved one. The program is a powerful, unique system to support, encourage, and inspire women in all areas of their lives. Topics include:

• Coping skills

• How to communicate with your former partner

• Self care (nutrition, fitness, image)

• How to parent as a single parent, and

• How to date

To support you even more, Jonathon Aslay, a relationship coach has joined our team of experts. He offers a “Heart Centered Radical Honesty” approach that is a direct, tough love with a heart that resonates with women who need a “big brother” to look out for their well being.

Yes, there is life and happiness after divorce if you take the time to rediscover yourself and learn the necessary life skills to move your life forward quickly and easily.

For more information and to reserve your space for the Singe Again! Now What? 5 Week E-course Mentoring Program, go to www.SingleAgain-NowWhat.com. The next E-course starts Thursday, October 7, 2010.

By Rosalind Sedacca

Making your child’s teachers aware of a major change in your home environment is helpful both for them and your child. That’s because school is really a second home for children in our culture.

Regardless of their age, children can’t be expected to turn off their emotions during or after a divorce any more than their parents can. Fear, insecurity, shame, guilt and other emotions are usually triggered when a parental marriage ends. These complex feelings can affect a child’s focus, self-esteem, relationships with their friends as well as their academic performance.

Many children trust and feel safe with their teachers. By talking to the teacher in advance and explaining the status of your post-divorce arrangements, you can go a long way toward helping your child feel more secure or less alone.

Here are some tips for making the most of your school system and professional educators:

A compassionate teacher can keep an eye open for signs of distress or depression in your child. You can provide some messages for the teacher to share should they feel it appropriate to talk with your child about their feelings. A trusted teacher can remind your child that he or she is not at fault … that they aren’t the only students at school who are going through these challenging times … and that life will move back into a more comfortable place before too long. This can be helpful in reinforcing prior conversations you’ve already had with your child. It also reassures your child that the divorce is not a big shameful secret. It can be discussed candidly and openly without shame.

It’s also wise to speak with your child’s guidance counselors. These professionals are trained to handle challenging circumstances and can be an ally that you and your family can count on for support and suggestions.

The key here is to bring these educators onto your team on behalf of your child. With their eyes open, it will be easier to detect signs of depression, aggression or other behavior changes that need to be brought to your attention and discussed as soon as possible.

Some schools offer support groups for children coping with divorce issues. It can be very helpful for children to talk to one another, sharing their fears and other anxieties during or after the divorce. Knowing they’re not alone, that they’re accepted and that others are facing the same type of family dynamics gives children a sense of belonging. It’s also an opportunity to vent and make new friends with children who can empathize with them. The less alone a child feels, the better they are able to accept the challenges they will be facing in the weeks and months ahead.

Talk to your child before sending them back to school. Discuss any changes in routine or scheduling they can expect. Also let them know who they can talk to at school if they are feeling sad or have questions about adapting to life at school post-divorce. School can be your child’s best friend at this time – and a great support system for your family – if you take advantage of all the resources available.

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! The ebook provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles, coaching services and other resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca All rights reserved.

If you don’t, you will likely get stuck tormenting yourself with the “shoulds.”  We should still be a family today. He should be ashamed of what he’s doing to us. She shouldn’t be able to have the kids on Christmas Day. I should be over this by now. It should be easier for me to move on – but it isn’t. You get the idea.

 Use this holiday season as a marker for starting a new mindset for yourself. You are creating a future that will be as positive for you as you allow it to be. Close the door to what was so you can open the door to brighter tomorrows – for yourself and your children. This holiday season and the ones to come can be weeks of great celebration for you if you start planting the seeds in your mind today.

Here are some useful tips for creating a positive mindset for the holidays.

 
Be your own best friend

Divorce and its related stressors can take its toll on your self-esteem. It’s easy to start falling into cycles of despair, fear, anxiety and depression fueled by messages such as “who’s going to want me now?” or “how can I cope with all this pressure in my life?” This can certainly compound over the holidays, which add another layer of stress to family life. Use this time to celebrate you and starting a new chapter in your life. Look ahead to reinventing yourself in ways you’ve always wanted – and acknowledging yourself for assets you have that can be further explored. Take time to laugh and indulge in some holiday spirit. It’s good medicine for you and the children you love.
 
Focus on lifting the spirits of others

Gratitude is a mindset that reminds us of our blessings. Do you have a loving relationship with your children? Do you have your health, a roof over your head, the income to purchase a few holiday gifts? Many people are not so fortunate. Be grateful for your blessings, share a smile or kind gesture with others, volunteer for the less fortunate and you will be rewarded in ways you never expected – physically, emotionally and spiritually!

Integrate – don’t isolate

Take advantage of this social season to circulate and re-connect with family and friends. Plan some small gatherings with those you care about and accept a few invitations to get out and meet other people. Limit your “pity party” time to an hour or two. Then pick yourself up and get back into life. You’ll be surprised by the support systems available to you. You will also find that you are not alone in the post-divorce emotions and challenges you are experiencing. Be receptive to help and it will come to you.

Initiate New Holiday Traditions

Remembering holiday traditions of the past can set you into a downward cycle and negatively affect your children, as well. This is the time to develop new ways of celebrating the holidays that you and your children can cherish and enjoy together. Perhaps it’s a special trip, celebrating with new friends and neighbors, attending special holiday events in your community or place of worship. Encourage your co-parent to do the same when the kids are with them, so that they have something to look forward to in each home.
Use this time of the year as the emotional starting point for bringing into focus the “you” you’ve always wanted to be. Visualize the future you desire. Make commitments to positive changes in your thoughts, habits and actions. By doing this, every year to come around holiday time you will be re-energized with positive appreciation rather than brought down by sadness and despair. The choice is yours. Embrace this season as the start of wonderful things to come and you’ll have much to celebrate in your future!
                      
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!   For more information, free articles on child-centered divorce and her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

More great holiday gift-giving articles and ideas can be found in  our new Holiday Gift-giving Guide at http://bit.ly/1Z6LSF

1. Tell us a little bit about yourself and what you do professionally.

Having been a single mom for 14 years, I found it frustrating after my divorce to not have the kind of support  needed to move my life forward such as tools and life skills to be the best I could be for myself and my children.

That is why I became certified as a business/personal coach specializing in divorce. I also started the non-profit Happy Wednesday Foundation and the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children. The mission is to provide mentoring programs to empower women to regain their confidence, build self-esteem and create a foundation of life skills to enhance the quality of life for themselves and their children.

2. What do you enjoy most about your profession and why did you choose it in the first place?

Everything! I enjoy mentoring women through the 12 week teleclass Single Again! Now What? Mentoring Program and also as the host of our R & R Day Retreats for underserved women.

3. Tell us about the organizations your company supports and why?

Our foundation works with organizations, associations and non-profits that support women from all economic lines and ethnic groups that have experienced challenges such as a catastrophic illness, domestic violence, homelessness, being single again and women with children of addiction.

4. What is the biggest risk you ever took professionally and/or the biggest obstacle you have overcome?

In 1981, my husband at the time and I opened a True Value Hardware store. We had to sell everything we owned to finance the business. We moved in with my mother-in-law because we couldn’t afford to pay rent. Plus, I just had a baby. I am no longer a part of the business, but the business is still going strong today.

5.  From where do you draw inspiration? Who have been your role models, mentors, etc?

My children are my inspiration who are now 28 and 25 years old. My coach that I worked with for several years is my role model and mentor.

6. How is the current economic situation affecting your company/organization?

With the current economic situation women need support more than ever. For example there are 3.1 million single parents in the U.S. and 84% are women.

7. What one thing would you like to learn this year?

To continue to learn to be patient, to let go and trust knowing that everything happens for a reason and at just the right time.

8. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

I see my foundation supporting thousands of single moms and underserved women through our programs and R & R Day Retreats.

9. What do you do for fun/relaxation/entertainment?

Gardening and taking walks. Sharing special times with family and friends.

10. Is there anything else you would like to share with our readers?

I believe that giving back is what it’s all about!

Which, if any social networking sites do you belong to (feel free to include links)?

Twitter- afterdivorce

Facebook- JoanieWinberg

For more information, visit: www.HappyWednesdayFoundation.org and www.NADWC.org

It should be a terrific experience to be in love–with the right person, that is. But a happy relationship takes two, and if your love life problems are spilling over into your work life, then you might be with the wrong guy or you’re handling your issues in ineffective ways. In my research about the love problems of today’s competent women, I’ve discovered these top warning signs that the mismanagement of your love problems is affecting your work. Of course, even in the best of relationships, our reactions to difficulties can spill over into our work week (or months!). Some life events such as divorce or loss of a loved one can intensify feelings over time in all of us. I’ve included the top solutions, but you’ll probably tailor them to fit you and your situation. The overall goals are to recognize that your emotions have highjacked your life and to do something to take back some reasonable control. Remember, experiencing sadness, loss, hurt or anger are normal human reactions. Unpleasant, yes. But blocking them out can result in unexpected eruptions, and giving in to them can derail your work effectiveness.

Top Warning Signs and Solutions for Love Highjacking Your Work Life

1. You spend a lot of time crying.

Solution: Crying is actually a good thing. Tears of emotional pain have a different chemical composition than tears of joy. Tears from pain, sadness or fear contain toxins. Crying is your body’s natural cleansing process to rid you of these harmful elements. No wonder people tend to feel better after a short cry. So, get preventive. During rough times, take a cry-break in the morning and afternoon. Go to the rest room or your car, close the door to your office or find a spot in the nearby park. It doesn’t matter where you go, but get to that place and have a cry. You only need a few minutes to rid yourself of the toxins.

2. You spend a lot of time writing or checking your e-mails or text messages. Or, you have frequent private conversations with your partner. You just can’t seem to go very long without talking to each other to “clear things up.” Soon, you lose your ability to concentrate at work.

Solution: Love spats spill over into work in waves. Things are calm for a while, but, then, BOOM!—a wave of regret or anguish hits you by surprise. Unfortunately, unfinished business gnaws at us the most. We think, oh, if only I had said this—or not done that. No matter how much we focus on work, that compulsion to finish it or get it right pops up. It especially likes to scream for attention exactly when you are about to do something at work that you don’t like or have difficulty accomplishing.

Try these tricks. Take a break AFTER you’ve tackled the most difficult or unpleasant task. You’ll feel more competent when you’ve overcome the obstacle and will increase your ability to face your private issues. Then, you can go into the bathroom for a cry. Or, take about a ten to fifteen minute break to jot down your thoughts in a journal that you keep in your drawer or handbag—INSTEAD of communicating with your partner. Unless there is an absolute need for a decision, tell your partner that you cannot discuss your problems until after work. Do NOT check your emails or phone for messages.

Make a To Do List for the Morning and another one for the afternoon. Do the most urgent and/or most difficult ones first. Then, take a mini-break to stretch, breathe, go for a quick walk, jot down notes to yourself or whatever else works to clear your mind and soul. Finally, build in a system of rewards for each time you’ve been successful at completing work tasks and staving off the urge to communicate with your partner. For example, one woman in my study “rewarded” herself by allowing fifteen minutes to explore cruises on line. Eventually, you will find that you’ll become more productive at work.

4. You tell too many colleagues at work about your problem. Soon, you feel extremely isolated and stressed.

Solution: A general guide about work friendships often states “Friendly to all, friends to none.” Be very careful about disclosing troubling aspects about your personal life. Today’s colleague can be tomorrow’s boss. But telling no one can make you feel brittle, fragile and lonely. Some solutions that have worked for many of the women in my study include: Permit yourself to call one personal friend once or twice a week for a few minutes to get a pep talk or discuss your thoughts. Or, jot down your thoughts in your journal. If you are coming in to work with the red eyes from crying, fight the urge to “tell all.” One woman said she was getting allergy-tested and was having bad reactions. Of course, if you are very savvy and have located that one colleague whom you can really trust, then save your time with them for after work hours. Grab a cup of coffee or tea—no alcohol because it’s a depressant.

5. You come in late to work.

Solution: It’s never a good idea to come into work late. If you are doing this repeatedly, it’s likely that for some time you have not been sleeping well at night or that you are discussing your love problems with your partner in the “before work hours.” Do NOT have pre-work conversations. These conversations tend to be so intense that they impede your performance. If your partner calls, tell him or her that you cannot talk now. If your sleep problems continue, consult your physician. Do NOT start taking a soup of over the counter drugs.

6. You take too much time off because of your problems.

Solution: Love problems love time and space—and they’ll take up as much as you give them. If you can’t contain them with the kinds of solutions that I’ve discussed above, then you might want to consider therapy. Finding a good therapist takes time. You just can’t pick one out of the phone book. If you know about therapists whom your friends like and use, you can call that therapist. However, therapy requires that you feel a good connection with the therapist, and whom your friends like could differ from your choice. Go to professional websites such as www.nasw.org (National Association of Social Workers) or www.apa.org (American Psychological Association) and go to the find/locate a therapist in your area who specializes in relationships. You might have to try out a few before you find a good fit. But don’t give up—you’re worth it!

7. You are getting sick frequently.

Solution: Depression, loss and stress can seriously compromise your immune system. Get proactive. Wash your hands frequently. Eat vegetables and protein. Most importantly, get into a fitness regime. If you aren’t good at self-discipline, form a walking or work out group with friends or colleagues. Or, join a club and hire a fitness trainer twice a week. If you think you can’t afford clubs and trainers, check out the cost of your local YMCA. If you still think you can’t afford fitness, keep a Spending Log over the next few weeks. Jot down EVERYTHING—coffee, magazines, new nail polish, box of cookies. Well, you get the point. You’d be amazed at how much these items add up. Perhaps you can squeeze in the cost of fitness if you stop spending money in other areas.

Check out my website, www.lovevictory.com and follow the love adventures of my cartoon character Almost Smart Cookie. And if you want to be part of my research, take my online survey. On my website, click in the Research box at the top on the right. If you’d like free feedback about your survey results, at the end of the survey, provide your name, e-mail and phone number AND add the word WE so that I know you found me through this article. Thank you!

This article is excerpted from the Fall 2009 Issue of WE Magazine for Women. To read the current issue (PDF) visit: http://wemagazineforwomen.com/pdfs/fall2009.pdf or http://www.rsszine.com/samples/Fall2009/ (Turning Page)

Didja Hear the One About the Divorce Lawyer?  No Joke.

After 27 years as a family lawyer in her native San Diego, Michele Sacks Lowenstein has heard it all — lawyer jokes, disdainful remarks about divorce attorneys, and nasty comments from the soon-to-be-exes.  It’s a wonder she tolerates, let alone embraces her career, the industry and the community education so proactively.
 
Lowenstein is a Certified Family Law Specialist – a designation by California’s State Bar based on experience, examination, education and peer recognition to just 0.55% of nearly 200,000 California lawyers. 
 
It’s no joke to her when a person wants to divorce with dignity, and she’s overseeing and guiding that process for a long-term, positive outcome during this most stressful time.  As a yoga devotee, she recognizes that same goal, stress reduction, in her practice.  She knows that when emotions wear off, her clients are good people that deserve a good life, free to pursue happiness.
 
The Best Approach
 
Lowenstein is amused when a lawyer fancies him/herself a “bulldog”.  She thinks it’s short-sighted to assume a given approach is in a client’s best interest. The arrows in her quiver include several methods of Alternative Dispute Resolution (like mediation, cooperative divorce and collaborative divorce) which are more holistic – often saving not only money, but sanity, an often-absent characterization of divorce.  Lowenstein is an expert in the new field of Collaborative Divorce, having trained directly with its creator, and is a member of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals.  Not that she won’t “kill” in the courtroom when needed, but she’s savvy enough to know when the only thing being killed is her client’s assets.

Giving Back
 
Though Lowenstein’s successful firm earns money from legal fees, she prefers the unpaid work:  She lectures extensively to attorneys and accountants, visitors to the non-profit WIFE (Women’s Institute for Financial Education), regional club gatherings, and divorce support groups.  She takes great pleasure in presenting such topics as:
 
o           What You Should Know about Divorce – Even if you Never Want or Need One
o           Navigating Divorce with Dignity (not an oxymoron!)
o           How the Economy Affects Divorce
 
Lowenstein also enjoys her San Diego Bar Association involvement, as it allows her to help guide her profession for the future. She co-chairs the Family Law Section and periodically serves as a Settlement Conference Judge for its Family Law court.  She worked with its Legislative Committee to help enact legislation requiring parents to support children still enrolled in high school, even beyond age 18. Additionally, her work with the Certified Family Law Specialists Committee resulted in the first-ever rules for the appointment of counsel for minor children in San Diego County.

Closing Argument

Lowenstein respects marriage – she’s enjoyed her own for nearly thirty years and in fact employs her husband, a retired engineer, as office manager.  But she’s equally passionate about respecting divorce – and the right for people to choose to end a marriage that may have already ended in all but name.

Connect with Leslie online at:
www.lowensteinfamilylaw.com
http://www.lowensteinfamilylaw.com/blog