Let Your Spirituality Be Your Guide, Says Noted Doctor

The new year is already well under way. Job deadlines – or job searching – has begun anew, and the stresses of bills, kids in school again, and the sometimes endless treadmill of daily life can make us forget those New Year’s resolutions we made not so very long ago.

Physician and healer Amnon Goldstein, who has earned an international reputation for his practice of both Western and Eastern medicines, says it’s time to slow down and re-evaluate.

“You’ve heard it said before and you know it in your heart, but it’s the external pressures that leave us feeling stressed, depressed, disappointed and overwhelmed,” says Goldstein. “Add to that the lingering economic troubles, families in flux and all of us working harder just to maintain our standard of living and it’s easy to forget the most person to take care of first is – you.”

Those resolutions to exercise more, eat healthier foods, meditate or otherwise tend to spiritual needs, they should be priorities, Goldstein says. They will ensure you’re stronger, happier, and better able to manage the external pressures, maybe even with a smile.

Quiet contemplation and a focus on spiritual growth – no matter one’s religion or beliefs – will lead to a clearer vision of how to accomplish the goals set for this year, Goldstein advises.

“Spirituality is no longer linked only to religion,” says Goldstein, the author of the recently released book Screwed: The Path of a Healer (www.iuniverse.com), a title that reflects the twisting nature of his global journeys as a healer and his own experiences with depression, divorce and illness.

“More and more people understand that they must nurture both body and spirit, which is why they make the sorts of resolutions they do. No matter how difficult your life, it will become easier and more joyful if you keep to those goals.”

Israeli-born Goldstein has practiced medicine around the world using conventional Western, traditional Eastern and less-familiar spiritual and mystical methods. In Screwed, he chronicles the path to wellness, understanding and enlightenment, a journey that takes the traveler to unexpected places.

Goldstein has known the horrors of war, witnessed the birth of new nations and experienced the mysterious healing powers of unconventional medicine. As a physician he has explored unconventional approaches to age-old physical and mental health challenges, embracing an over-arching philosophy that a life well-lived is not one which follows a straight or uncomplicated path.

Goldstein advocates proper nutrition as the basis for good health (no overeating, no dairy, no sugar), and exercise and meditation as the foundation of healthy living.

“We can live healthier and more fulfilled lives by looking inward,” Goldstein says. “Most of us will find that we have everything we need to celebrate the holidays in one form or another – either a healthy family, a warm home or some aspect of our lives that brings meaning. Expectation of perfection at this time of the year is toxic to our minds and spirits. Every healing is self-healing, but we need to take the time in the midst of our busy lives to take care of ourselves.”

About Amnon Goldstein, M.D.

Amnon Goldstein is a physician with more than 40 years of experience in conventional Western medicine and holistic and Eastern medicine. He has specialized in trauma care, vascular surgery and hypnosis, and has done in-depth study into the evolution of HIV and cancer research and treatments. A resident of Florida, Dr. Goldstein retired from medicine but continues to travel the world, learning, teaching and sharing with others the healing powers within each person. He is the father of three grown children.

If you would like to run the above article, please feel free to do so. I am able to provide images if you would like some to accompany it. If you’re interested in interviewing Dr. Goldstein for a feature/Q&A, let me know and I’ll gladly work out details.

Lose 20 pounds. Join the gym. Make more money. (Insert your self-improvement goal here.) If these resolutions are stressing you out, Kathleen McIntire and Erin Cote say it may be time to take a deeper look at what you’re really longing for— an authentic life that really works for you.

It’s that time again. Time to examine ourselves with a critical eye and figure out what we “should” do in the upcoming year—and this year we really are going to do it, right?—to get thinner, fitter, richer, more organized. Better. The way we approach the new year speaks volumes about our relentless (and exhausting) need to achieve, improve and do more, says Kathleen McIntire. But what if this year, you realized that better and more are nothing but illusions?

What if you resolved to quit worrying about becoming more anything in 2012—except more yourself?

“So many of us live out our lives as slaves to the tyranny of should,” notes McIntire, creator of Guiding Signs 101, a set of powerful, yet fun road sign-inspired “divination cards” that come with a guidebook that explains the meaning of each. “Year after year we strive to become what others—parents, partners, experts, society—tell us we should be. And then, one day, we wake up and realize we never got to let go and just be our real selves.”

Authenticity is the heart and soul of McIntire’s message. In collaboration with artist Erin Cote, she developed her cards and guidebook to serve as a “bridge” to help people get in touch with their own intuition and wisdom—to help us access our own, often buried understanding of what we truly want and need out of life.

“The irony is that many of the issues we try to ‘fix’ with our New Year’s resolutions—addictions, excess weight, financial problems—are often byproducts of inauthentic lives,” adds Cote. “We eat too much or drink too much or spend too much to try to cope with lives that aren’t really working for us.

“When we focus on being authentic, on really getting to know and accept ourselves for who we are, most of these problems solve themselves,” she continues. “And sometimes we realize what we thought we had to have is no longer important.”

What happens when you make “Live with more authenticity” your New Year’s resolution? McIntire and Cote insist there are many benefits:

Quite simply, you’ll be happier. When our actions line up with our beliefs and values, we feel more joy and peace. We love and accept ourselves. Life flows smoothly along instead of being one struggle after another. When we go against who we really are, we experience cognitive dissonance—a feeling of anxiety or internal conflict. Living a lie—whether you’re gay and in the closet, stuck in a bad marriage, or working at a job you hate—just feels bad.

“When we try to be something we’re not, we may find ourselves in situations we just don’t enjoy,” says Cote. “To give a simple example, a woman who pretends to love sports to impress her boyfriend will find herself at a lot of football games, freezing her butt off and bored out of her mind.”

You’ll be healthier, too. Our minds can trick us or even lie to us, but our bodies hold the truth, says McIntire. Headaches, backaches, stomach problems, weight gain—all are ways that our bodies let us know we are not honoring our true selves.

“For many years I was a corporate wife living in London,” she explains. “I frequently had to entertain clients and deeply disliked everything about it. I had horrible backaches and headaches, had cold hands and feet and always felt tired and depressed. One day I told my husband I couldn’t do it anymore. I was done. And when I moved to Nevada City, to the forest and to nature, my aches and pains magically disappeared.”

“My body was screaming at me that I had been in the wrong place,” adds McIntire. “When I finally listened, my body showed me I was in the right place. I now feel good all the time. Your body is always talking to you: the knot in your stomach, the tenseness when you see a certain person, the fear or apprehension. The places that make you skip and play and sing are those places that make your heart soar.”

Your relationships will become richer and more meaningful. If you’re hiding something or faking feelings, you won’t really connect with others: romantic partners, friends or family members. What you say won’t resonate. The relationship will stagnate. When you live authentically, on the other hand, you challenge and inspire the others in your life and they challenge and inspire you. You both learn and grow.

“Plus, you attract the right people into your life,” says McIntire. “When you are true to yourself, when you are doing what inspires you and what you are passionate about, you will attract other people who are doing that also. The only way they can love you is if the real you shows up.”

You’ll have a greater capacity for love. When we love ourselves as we are, we can love others as they are, too. Living with authenticity means we’re in touch with our emotions. We laugh and cry when we need to laugh and cry (rather than worry about how it looks or what we “should” be feeling).

“When we can feel and accept our own emotions, we can relate to the emotional needs of others,” says Cote. “From this state of being flow compassion, understanding and the willingness to forgive. These are the raw ingredients of love.”

You’ll be more intuitive (and willing to be guided by intuition). Authenticity and intuition go hand in hand. When we’re no longer lying to ourselves and others, or desperately trying not to feel what we feel, we can more clearly hear the still small voice of our inner wisdom. Once we can hear that voice and learn to let it guide us, says McIntire, we will realize it’s okay to stop listening to outside authorities.

“My Guiding Signs cards help hone intuition because they validate what we’re already feeling,” she explains. “You might draw the Wrong Way card realize that the job offer you’re considering isn’t right for you. What’s more, you realize that you’ve known it all along. That’s intuition. It’s always been there, it’ll always be there—but it can’t guide you unless you’re willing to let it.”

You’ll make decisions that are right for YOU. Knowing who we are is the heart and soul of authenticity. It allows us to ignore outside influences and buck convention. When you know yourself well enough to say, “I am happier living alone” you may have the courage and insight to turn down a marriage proposal from the perfect (on paper) partner. Or maybe you’ll say, “I need to work to be fulfilled and financially secure” rather than caving to pressure to quit your job to be a stay-at-home mom.

“Living an authentic life means we’re less likely to be manipulated or used by others,” Cote explains. “It means not worrying about what the neighbors think. And you know what? When you’re at peace with yourself you really don’t care what they think.”

You’ll become more powerful. Power is not about having power over anyone else. True power comes from being you. There is no one else exactly like you with your unique gifts and talents. You simply need to beam who you are out into the world. McIntire notes that the word beam is BE-AM…being your deepest I am self without all the roles and masks society has taught you.

“This power manifests in many ways,” she notes. “We become teachers, leaders and counselors to others. People are drawn to us. They trust us. Success and prosperity—as we define it, not necessarily as society defines it—flows into our life.”

People will trust you. When you’re a truthsayer, you’ll become a trusted advisor to others. They know you’ll tell it like it is rather than blowing smoke. They’ll also know your word is your bond—they won’t doubt that you’ll keep their secrets, keep your promises and repay the loan.

“Without trust, nothing would ever get done,” says Cote. “It allows us to marry, to have children, to build houses, to make business deals. Being a trustworthy person opens up all sorts of opportunities and, of course, allows us to build strong relationships.”

You’ll bring out the best in others (instead of trying to control them). When you’re living authentically, you trust the universe and your place in it. You don’t have the need to micromanage others, or bend them to your will, or put conditions on your love and approval. This allows the people inside your sphere of influence the space they need to breathe, to be themselves, to grow into what they’re meant to be. When you give someone this gift, it’s amazing what life can hold in store for them.

“About 27 years ago I was living in London for the first time and a friend shared a touching story with me from her childhood,” says McIntire. “She was young and in a Catholic grade school. She brought home her report card to her mother. It was a terrible report card and the only positive thing about it was that she had a note about good table manners written in the place for comments.”

“Her mother read the report card, set it down and called the Ritz Hotel restaurant and made reservations for two,” she continues. “She told her daughter, ‘I think I need to take you to one of the finest restaurants in London so you can use your fine table manners!’ They went to lunch and afterward they were window shopping and her mother asked her what she would most like. It was a tube of red art paint. Now that she is grown, she is an amazing artist with work displayed in the National Portrait Gallery in London as well as other places.”

You’ll attract “luck” into your life. Some might say that the little girl in the story above got lucky in her career. McIntire insists that her so-called luck was a natural result of being allowed to be who she authentically was. Rather than being browbeaten for who she wasn’t (a great scholar) she was rewarded for who she was (a well-mannered child with a budding artist longing to break free). And even if you didn’t have such an open-hearted mother, if you can learn to embrace your true passions—even now, at whatever age you are—life will reveal its riches to you.

“When we follow that unique spark inside us we find that walls turn into doors,” says McIntire. “Amazing opportunities open up in our lives. The right people appear at the right time. Everything flows easily and organically. On the other hand, when we’re (miserably) doing what we’re ‘supposed’ to do, luck won’t show up. Quite the opposite. It’s the universe whispering ever more insistently that you’re on the wrong path.”

You’ll become a conscious creator. Authenticity means living consciously. Rather than seeing ourselves as victims who passively let life happen to us, we pay attention to our beliefs, our thoughts and our actions. We weed out what does not belong there. We set clear intentions. We ask powerful questions such as What is our highest calling? What are our deepest passions? What do we want to bring forth on our planet not only for ourselves but for all life? All of this breeds success and happiness.

“In each present moment exist endless possibilities,” says McIntire. “Each of us is a spark of the Divine. We each have the ability to create. Creating is our birthright. Every moment we are creating. It is part of who we are and is not outside of ourselves. The choice is if we are creating unconsciously or consciously. When we create unconsciously, we see ourselves as victims. When create consciously and lovingly, we live in integrity.”

You’ll receive confirmation through signs and synchronicities. Astonishing things can happen when you stop listening to “the experts” and start letting intuition guide you, says Cote. You’ll start getting messages in all sorts of (seemingly) random ways: people, animals, events, objects, songs will show up to mirror what’s going on in your life. These synchronicities serve as signs that you’re on the right path. Often, in fact, they’re actual signs—McIntire’s and Cote’s Guiding Signs cards, for instance, or the road sign in the following story from a friend of theirs:

After a healing session, my client Randy was a little disorientated. He was visiting, Jackson Wyoming, and didn’t know his way around town. He ended up turning down the wrong street. When he noticed this he pulled over. He realized he was distracted by a question he was thinking about. He closed his eyes and asked, “Am I meant to do the Reconnective Healing training? Please give me a sign.”

When he opened his eyes the first thing he saw was the street sign, E Pearl. Dr. Eric Pearl is the name of the man that teaches the Reconnective Healing course! That street sign is the only E Pearl in Jackson. – K’Lea Andreas

There’s nothing mysterious or difficult about living authentically, says McIntire. It’s literally just a matter of allowing ourselves to be what we are created to be.

“There is a law of physics that you can’t make more of or take away from energy,” add McIntire. “We are all we need to be. We are perfect. In the end, love is all there is—and in love there is no big or small, it can’t be measured. That’s a human concept. We don’t have to lose 20 pounds or make a million dollars. Our only job is to show up in love.

About the Authors:

Kathleen McIntire is a transformational teacher, speaker, and healer who is dedicated to bringing forth truth, liberation, and awakening. She is the author and creator of Guiding Signs 101, a set of divination cards and guidebook using everyday road signs to tap into your intuition and own inner guidance.

Kathleen is the producer of two upcoming Mayan films. The first, Mayan Renaissance, is being made by PeaceJam, an international education program for youth built around leading Nobel Peace Laureates. The other film is The Unification of Wisdom and 2012. In the near future she will be a presenter on the Womens Empowerment (WE) Channel on the CANDO Networks. Kathleen’s website addresses are www.soaringinlight.com and www.guidingsigns101.com.

Erin Cote has been involved in creative design for over a decade. Her main focus is on bringing humor and playfulness to professional environments. Through Laughter Therapy she teaches others about the importance of play and laughter. As the founder of ULaugh, Erin conducts laughter presentations and workshops in Northern California for the public, businesses, and hospitals.

Together, Erin and Kathleen bring their talents of wisdom, design, and playfulness into the creation of Guiding Signs 101. Erin can be contacted through her website at: www.UlaughAlot.com or through www.GuidingSigns101.com.

Invite Miracles to Bless You in the New Year.

Susan Apollon says that miracles do not happen by coincidence—we are designed for them. Here’s what you can do to invite those moments of divine magnitude into your life.

Albert Einstein once said of miracles: “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” Intuitive psychologist and author Susan Apollon agrees, and has spent more than two decades backing up this hypothesis by studying the nature of miracles and the conditions under which they occur. Her conclusion? That everyone can receive these natural gifts because we are all spiritually connected to God, Source, Allah, or whatever a person chooses to call this wellspring of goodness.

Apollon’s book, Touched by the Extraordinary, Book Two: Healing Stories of Love, Loss & Hope, is a collection of real-life occurrences—including messages sent from loved ones who’ve passed on, angel visitations, and signs—that can be defined only as the stuff of miracles.

Apollon describes her clients’ experiences as “blessings that made them feel safe, holy, divine, not alone, protected, and taken care of––and frequently, just made them smile.” She says that studies in Quantum Physics suggest that anyone with the right mindset can live a life rich in miracles from the small to the momentous. You simply have to foster your ability to invite them in.

Here are a few suggestions and insights that will prepare you to receive your own miracles:

• Give yourself permission to be open to extraordinary experiences. “As a psychologist who has sat with patients who have shared countless wondrous stories of small and large miraculous events in their lives, I have come to recognize that the ability to experience miracles is often dependent on whether or not you choose to allow for the possibility of miracles in your life,” writes Apollon. Accept that you will allow the universe to do its good and it will respond accordingly.

• Rediscover your spirituality. Take time to connect with your own soul and with the Source by returning to—or visiting for the first time—prayer, ritual, and faith. Learn to meditate while breathing deeply or do yoga. Most of all, try to reach a point at which you feel your connection to the universe and everything in it.

• Commit to making significant changes in negative thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. This is especially important for a person suffering an illness because “anxiety and desperation have a strong tendency to block your ability to heal.” Apollon says that to change this stone-set pattern we must always be aware of what we are feeling and then consciously change our thoughts, replacing negative or disturbing images with positive and empowering ones.

• Keep a synchronicity journal. Synchronicity is the flow of “meaningful coincidences” that indicate that life, all life, is connected in a complex web of psychic moments, signs and symbols, and shivers of spiritual connectedness. The sheer volume of these subtle miracles that happen in so many different lives adds up to powerful evidence of “something greater.” “The numbers,” Apollon says, “will be far greater than you may have imagined.”

• Write your intentions down. In detail, record on paper with joyful enthusiasm exactly what you desire from the universe––daily. Expect good things to be placed in your path and they will come––be it a spiritual visit from a passed loved one, a new chance in a waning relationship, or a miraculous recovery.

Above all, keeping your heart brimming full of love and compassion is the most important factor needed in the creation of miracles. If we all are somehow connected together, this simple intention is the healing balm needed to rescue Earth and all souls upon it. What better way to begin fresh in the New Year than with a new faith-based attitude that risks little sorrow and at most promises unprecedented hope and joy?

Apollon asserts, “I think we’re all hungry for that, even diehard skeptics. Especially diehard skeptics. My overarching message is that life itself is extraordinary––miraculous! And all it takes to realize that is to open your eyes and see the amazing things that surround us all, every day.”

About the Author: As a psychologist and an author, Susan Apollon empowers and heals the body, mind, and soul; as an educator, she informs; as a speaker, she inspires and touches the heart.

For more than twenty-five years, Susan has been in private practice in Yardley, PA, evaluating and counseling adults, families, and children who are dealing with difficult life situations similar to what she has personally experienced, researched, and written about, including cancer, other health issues, trauma, and grief.

She is an avid researcher of Mind, Consciousness, Intuition, Energy, Prayer, and Healing and brings this expertise to her three published books—Touched by the Extraordinary, Book Two: Healing Stories of Love, Loss & Hope; Touched by the Extraordinary: An Intuitive Psychologist Shares Insights, Lessons, and True Stories of Spirit and Love to Transform and Heal the Soul; and Intuition Is Easy and Fun: The Art and Practice of Developing Your Natural-Born Gift of Intuition (co-authored with Yanni Maniates).

Consultant.

Life Coach Gives Tips for Surviving Less Than Perfect Holidays

For all the promise of joy, peace and harmony that comes with the holiday season, the reality for millions of people is that the season is anything but a celebration. For many, it’s a reminder of lost loved ones, personal disappointments and dreams left unfulfilled.

But for life coach Teri Johnson, whose personal journey through an imperfect life now inspires others to reach for the lives they’ve always wanted, the negative “nevers” of the disappointing hand life may have dealt you is where the healing starts. By confronting a never-ending and unproductive cycle of negativity, the elusive joy of the holiday season can be found not just now but every day of the year, says Johnson, author of the newly released book, Overcoming the Nevers (www.overcomingthenevers.com).

“You never thought you’d get divorced, but you did. You never dreamed you would find yourself in an abusive relationship, but you are. You never thought you would need to lose 200 pounds, but you do. And you never thought you’d be 45 years old without a job, losing your home and drowning in debt, but you are,” says Johnson.

“We start to believe lies about ourselves, such as “I’m not good enough” or “I’m undeserving.” We escape our pain and these toxic feelings into unhealthy behaviors and addictions. There is freedom from the struggle; there is hope in discovering the truth; there is a way to fall in love with who we are to experience a joy-filled season, and more importantly a joy-filled life.”

Johnson’s tools for overcoming the “nevers” that drag many down during the holiday season are:

• Acceptance: Do you have the strength to make the changes necessary to turn a situation around through an attitude of acceptance? Or will you remain powerless, remain in the state of non-acceptance and let everything around you dictate how you feel? The journey starts with accepting that you can’t change others, but you do have power over your own life.

• Surrender: What we surrender ourselves to ultimately becomes our god, what we turn to or upon which we rely. The question then is: What are we surrendered to? Is it something firm, solid and long-lasting or something that hurts us in the end?

• Joyfulness: Hold tight to your unique gifts and talents to enrich your own life and impact the lives of those around you. Build on what you’re good at, what makes you special and what makes you feel good about yourself.

• Discovery: Confronting the truth about who we are deep inside helps us overcome our painful past and discover the basis for those “nevers.”

• Faith: Until we accept love for ourselves from God, from others and towards others, the healing will not begin. Embracing love is an ongoing process that starts with learning to like yourself and with a willingness to accept your imperfections.

Johnson advises that the process of confronting internal struggles and the “nevers” of life isn’t easy, but no treatment program, no diet and no New Year’s resolution can be successful without breaking down the essence of individual struggles and making the necessary adjustments to attain the life you deserve.

“If the life you are living is full of unacceptable and disappointing things and you don’t want to spend another year like this, the only thing holding you back right now is your own confusion, self-doubt and anger,” she says.

“You don’t have to keep doing what you’re doing or feeling what you’re feeling, but you do need to come to terms with yourself and surrender yourself to faith that there is a better way.”

Teri Johnson is a writer, speaker and personal growth expert who is the founder and President of Keeping it Personal. Having struggled with alcohol addiction and destructive habits herself, the Minnesota native turned her own experiences in overcoming obstacles to personal fulfillment into a client-focused service that has transformed the lives of many. Now a devoted wife and mother of two sons, she now devotes her life to helping others find their path to success and happiness while shedding destructive thoughts and behaviors.

by Marcia Barhydt, Woman of a Certain Age

Of all the joys of Christmas, I think my favourite would be the surprises – giving them, receiving them. Well, ok, we all enjoy receiving, but I’m certain there are a large number of women reading this right now who prize themselves for choosing just the right gift for everyone on her shopping list; I know I do.

And what I’ve come up with for this year for WE Magazine for Women is the gift of friendship, the friendship, the support, the love that we women give to each other every day of the year.

I’ve experienced this female friendship many times of course, but never more than when I turned 65. On the day of my birthday, I was to have lunch with a close friend. She met me at the door of the restaurant and we walked with the hostess to our table and guess what? Eight of my closest friends sitting there waiting for me! Surprise!

Many of these women started out in my life as a business acquaintance, then became a colleague, and then became a friend. What a remarkable thing it is to find new friends when we’re older. I also continue to count a high school girlfriend, a woman from my first job in 1964 and three roommates from the training I did to become a flight attendant in 1967 as close friends . I am rich in friends.

What my friends have been is the most incredible support system I could ever imagine. Each one of them colours my own tapestry with different shades and hues. Each one listens to me when I need her to listen and she talks to me when I need talking to. These women wrote words on their cards and the women absent wrote words in their emails that brought tears to my eyes.

There’s nothing that’ll make me cry faster than being loved. And I was surrounded by it. It was a day of my life that I’ll count in a very short list of very special days.

As I was basking in all this warmth, I started thinking about what we do for each other as friends. About how very much we, as women, support each other through all kinds of adversity and triumph. If one of us has a health problem, the others are there. If one of us has a high point in her life, the others are there. Each one of these women has made my life easier, my problems smaller or at least more solvable, my victories sweeter. Each one of them has listened to parts of my life, both business and particularly personal, with a patience that’s amazing. Each one of them has come to me at times for my thoughts about their business and personal challenges and high points.

That’s what we do for each other, isn’t it? We’re there for each other. That’s what women do. I think this is a uniquely woman thing. And I think I am so lucky to be a woman, to experience this support. In our lives, other people come and go, life events occur and evolve; even the men in our lives can change. But these women are constant. Never changing. Always there for us.

These women are each a sister to me, closer than if we’d shared a bedroom, fought over clothes and whispered our teenage dreams to each other. I cannot imagine my life without them.

Celebrate the holidays this year by touching your own sisters, your own gift of friendship to them and theirs to you. What a great gift!

©Marcia Barhydt, 2011

By Eldonna Lewis-Fernandez

It’s been said that FEAR stands for “Forget Everything And Run.” It’s that uncomfortable, disconcerting feeling that causes us to take a back seat in our own life and prevents us from proactively moving forward to reach our goals and aspirations. Instead of facing a personal, business or workplace situation head on and taking control of the proverbial handlebars of life, fear causes us to turn the other way, freeze in our tracks, or poke our head in the sand.

“One way to counteract fear’s adverse impact on your life and career is to recognize the type of fear that might be defining you and driving your actions – or lack thereof,” notes internationally-regarded motivational speaker and retired Master Air Force Sergeant Eldonna Lewis-Fernandez, AKA “The Pink Biker Chic” (www.PinkBikerChic.com), widely known her life-empowering GoPINK Rules of Engagement. “In fact, there are many ‘types’ of fears that will prevent you from achieving in both your personal and professional life. Recognizing the specific fears that are be holding you back is the critical first step toward breaking free of the emotional paralysis and living a more carefree, uninhibited life. As the saying goes, ‘No guts, no glory.’”

Below Eldonna cites 11 common fears that hold people back from that which they desire both personally and professionally:

1. Fear of Success – This is actually a fear of achieving your dreams and standing out. Fear of the attention you will receive should you actually realize success. Yes, people might look at you, and talk about you, which can make you feel self-conscious. Sometimes, it’s the fear of taking the steps necessary to work toward your goal, or knowing what to do first when all seems daunting at the onset. We all have things we want to achieve in life but, by giving into this particular fear, you lose faith in yourself and your abilities, and also faith in those who truly have your best interest at heart and want to see you succeed. And, remember that even baby steps are forward momentum.

2. Fear of Leading – With leadership comes responsibility, and many are afraid of being responsible for an outcome that impacts not only themselves, but also the people they are guiding. Many with this fear worry and wonder, “What if I lead them the wrong way?” This is where you need to trust your intuition to guide you and have faith that you will make the right decisions – the same faith others have instilled in you so they may follow. Letting go of the outcome and its various possible impacts brings freedom and, with it, releases you from fearing the unknown. It allows you to trust your leadership skills and be an example for others.

3. Fear of Speaking – Many people fear public speaking more than any other activity. Speaking requires a palpable level of confidence and ability. In our lives and careers, we are sometimes required to present thoughts and ideas to others. Whether it is ideas at a school PTA meeting, a speech at a wedding or funeral, a briefing during a staff meeting or a full-scale conference keynote, it’s all public speaking. Being a confident speaker requires training, not talent. Master this skill and you will command the attention and respect that you deserve and the successes will ensue.

4. Fear of Encroachment – Many women and men today are working in fields that were once traditionally a gender-specific field, such as the military, manufacturing, construction, automotive, nursing, fashion and beauty, culinary arts, etc. Working in an environment with a gender-based stereotype has its own challenges and requires a high level of confidence in your abilities and a strong voice to be heard, and even supported, among others who may not regard you as a peer. If your desires are unconventional or non-traditional – or simply go against what is expected of you by family members or friends – dig deep and stay true to who you are and what you want out of life. You don’t have to be loud and aggressive; just be unwavering in your vision and persevere.

5. Fear of Power – Power is your proverbial fuel source – where your inner strength emanates from, your passions burn bright. It’s the juice that allows you to keep going in the face of adversity. Without power, you simply cannot move forward amid life’s seemingly endless road blocks. For all of its importance, power is simply a mindset – a genuine, heartfelt belief that you can do anything you set your mind to. Period. If you aren’t tapping into your authentic power, take some time to dig deep and cultivate it. It’s there and fully available for you to use, and it’s ready to make your dreams come true. Start small, achieve, and savor it. Then confidently aim a little higher, achieve and revel in it. Before long, you’ll be powerful enough to shoot for the stars.

6. Fear of Inadequacy – Feelings of inadequacy can come from inherent low self-esteem or past negative life experiences. If someone has told you that you couldn’t do something or shamed you into believing you weren’t capable of doing something “well enough,” you may carry that feeling of ineptitude and not even realize it. This subconscious stronghold can be truly debilitating. The best defense against a fear of inadequacy is to learn and master the specific skill, subject or activity in question and, in doing so, you will become self-assured in your execution. If it’s more about fundamental self esteem, seek out the emotional support to help you value and believe in your own capabilities.

7. Fear of Failure – All too often we stop short of attempting something new for fear we might embarrass our self or, worse, fail all together. Any given undertaking has the possibility of resulting in failure, which is never a desirable or welcome outcome. But, when facing something new, a fear of failure can be amplified as anxiety, nerves, and our “fight or flight” instinct kicks in. These intense feelings can cause us to put our aspirations on the shelf where they can languish in perpetuity. Mary Kay Ash perhaps said it best: “Fail forward to success.” Indeed, failure is part of the road toward success and should not be feared but embraced as an opportunity for growth.

8. Fear of Compromising Integrity – Integrity means doing the right thing even when no one is looking or will ultimately know. Many fear that, in order to be successful in a career, we have to compromise our integrity and go against what we believe to be right. Overcoming this concern requires nothing more than establishing a specific set of boundaries within yourself and knowing exactly where and when you will draw the line – and sticking steadfast to that plan of action. It’s a commitment to making belief-based decisions in all aspects of your life so that, when success is realized, there is no guilt or angst involved about how that success manifested. It’s important to recognize that you CAN be successful while adhering to your personal value system.

9. Fear of Vulnerability – While it can be uncomfortable and downright scary to open your self up and expose your true inner self and your ideas and aspirations to others of importance in your life, doing so can be cathartic – and a true turning point in effecting positive change. Letting down your guard takes courage and strength, and allowing yourself to be vulnerable can help you better relate with people on a more intimate and personal level.

10. Fear of Being Alone – Many people stay in abusive relationships or negative career situations because they are afraid of being alone, breaking away from the pack, or being isolated from a situation and people they once valued. It’s impossible to be completely content in life if you are uncomfortable being by yourself, or if your positive frame-of-mind is contingent on anyone or any thing else – whether personal relationships or professional affiliations. Such co-dependency allows your attempts at happiness and success to be controlled by external third parties, which will rarely bear optimal results.

11. Fear of Appearing Selfish – For some, it feels selfish to do anything for themselves so, instead, they do for everybody else and either burn out, harbor feelings of resentment, or both. To neglect your own needs and focus solely on those of others can make you feel overwhelmed, stressed out, under pressure and weighed down. Often, it can be difficult to find a way out of this quagmire once people have developed expectations and have come to depend on you – and you’re not one to disappoint. However, taking care of your needs first is not a selfish luxury, but rather a psychological imperative to ensure you’re emotionally nourished in your own right. Only then should you tend to the needs of others, which should be in addition to and not in lieu of.

“The best way to combat any fear is to hit it head on, keep moving forward and stay focused on achieving your goal,” Eldonna says. “There will always be obstacles that make reaching your goal seem impossible, and you must be disciplined and tenacious enough to stay focused and on track toward your goal. You must also be committed enough to not only make a promise to yourself, but also see it through even when the going gets tough. Only then can keep the fear at bay and hit the fast track toward success.”

Eldonna Lewis-Fernandez, an engaging motivational speaker known internationally as The Pink Biker Chic – a brand developed to empower individuals to take control of the handlebars of their lives through the power of PINK: Power, Integrity, Negotiation and Knowledge. Don’t let the pink fool you. Retired Air Force Master Sergeant Eldonna Lewis-Fernandez is a force to be reckoned with. She trains women and men how to re-think and re-direct their energies for higher performance and better bottom-line professional and personal decisions. She may be reached online at www.PinkBikerChic.com.

There are three basic types of people that come into our lives.

1. Those who love us inwardly

2. Those who love us outwardly

3. Those who force us to prove them wrong, there by pressuring us to succeed!

The people who love us inwardly allow us to truly be ourselves in their presence. They honor us, protect us, listen and understand us. When we think of love, whether the love of a parent, family member, spouse, child or significant other we usually think of this type of love.

When we find ourselves longing for love this is usually the type of love that we seek. We long for that “unconditional” adoring, accepting love.

Those who love us outwardly are our biggest fans. The ones who sing our praises and let the world know that we are worth watching, listening to and supporting. These people create our raving fan club. The ones who support us and become our broadcast station for all of the wonderful things that we do.

And then there is the hidden secret. The people who love us through what I call “reverse energy”. These are the people in our lives that force us to prove them wrong. They criticize us, ridicule, sometimes betray and berate us. These are the people that tell us that something can’t be done. They are the challengers. And they are here for a big reason.

The naysayers, critics and energy zappers in our lives provide us with something major to overcome. They force us to stretch, to question, to seek, to leave no stone unturned, to heal. They pressure us to succeed.

They become the backbone of our most inspiring stories of triumph by giving us the great challenge and the seemingly insurmountable hurdles to overcome. They provide the fire that propels us to heights that we never reach without them.

Without these “catalyst” people in our lives, progress is slow, arduous and without structure.

Leaders are put through the paces in much harder ways than followers so that they will be primed to strive to reach for greater heights than the average person.

Those who have not had a lot of adversity in their lives seem to have different goals, the hunger is often not there. The drive, the unquenchable thirst to succeed is not as strong. These people have a different path, no less of a path, just a different one.

Make the empowered choice to ask “What lesson do I need to learn most at this time from this challenging person or people.” Be grateful for the contrasting experience and then allow it to leave gracefully while retaining the wisdom and knowledge for your accelerated growth.

Remember, in most cases the toughest people are the greatest catalysts to your success!

About the Author: Mariana Cooper (Mari) is the founder of Aha! Moments Inc. Website/Blog: www.ahamomentsinc.com

1.  Reflect on Positive Past Events

Cultivating and maintaining a peaceful, calm and optimistic life must be a goal of paramount importance.  Distractions and life’s distresses both small and large, most definitely including those work, financial and relationship-related, will pull you away from this goal each and every time you allow it.  Your thoughts are the training ground and spring board for your overall disposition and perspective on life.  Many accomplished people never pause to revel in or acknowledge their past successes.  They are constantly striving for what’s next. While not entirely a bad thing, when your desire to achieve and earn becomes bigger than your desire to BE, your existence will be likened to a hamster running in an endless circle, never at peace and never at a point of rest.

2.  Have a Giving Heart and Spirit

Most know that giving back to society and those in need is one of the most meaningful activities we can engage in – making us feel happy and optimistic about life.  In fact, many very successful people also believe that giving is directly tied to their luck and success up ahead.  Having a giving heart and spirit not only creates more opportunities for you to provide for others, but doing so allows more opportunities for your continued success to manifest in your life, and others: what impacts one impacts us all.  Achievement, earnings and accomplishments come from the work of our hands and minds, but true success and fulfillment comes from giving of the heart.  Not just donating your time through charitable work or financial donations, but also allocating precious time to family and friends.  Being present and accessible to loved ones is the ultimate gift for others…and yourself.

3.  Happy is a Choice; Contentment and Joy are Lifestyles

One of the definitions of the word overwhelmed is “to give too much of a thing.” When you truly desire to live a life that is fulfilled in all areas, you are destined to have more to do than you have the time, energy, and ability or help to accomplish or complete. The feeling of being overwhelmed is when you have what you need and are overflowing with what you want. When you have so much success, opportunity, potential, clients, projects, options, prosperity that you can’t “handle” or manage everything, your reaction is that you are overwhelmed. So what about those times when you’re overwhelmed with challenges, struggles, health issues, and other life concerns? Know the plan for your life is perfect and the struggles are never to defeat you but to make you stronger and uncover your true power. Surrender and find peace living in the overflow, joy and abundance of being overwhelmed

4.  Tap Your Inner Courage

Stepping out of your fears and into your greatness requires great courage. Sometimes we are so busy with the work of life that we don’t sit still and take the time to listen to our heart. Being courageous means not allowing life to steal, kill, or destroy your dreams, hopes, aspirations, and plans but living in the now, the moment, the presence of your power to receive life, and the fullness of all life has to offer and even more abundantly. It takes courage to be honest with yourself, acknowledge your personal truth, and be present in your quest to live that truth. Living in the fullness and joy of who you are – and want to be – takes true grit.

5.  Live Exponentially

Exponential Living is achieved through excellence in your Personal, Spiritual, and Emotional health, and balance in all aspects of your life – with yourself and others. It is achieved by building and maintaining spirituality; loving and caring for yourself (hobbies, exercise, “me” time); spending quality time with and appreciating yourself and your family; recognizing your success; and living in your own truth. When living exponentially you are comfortable with who you are, separate from what you do. It’s when you live in a state of true contentment, being present with yourself and others while also pursuing and maintaining excellence in all aspects of your life.

Sheri Riley Exponential Living program is a ground-breaking initiative that helps individuals create balance among life’s key areas in ways that promote a higher standard of excellence. Learn more online at www.exponentialliving.com.

Nine Reactions That Can Make or Break Your Contentment Quotient

Although life’s hard knocks may have convinced you otherwise, Todd Patkin insists that happiness really is a choice. If you choose to act or react in a more positive way instead of giving in to your urges to grumble and complain, he promises, you truly can influence how content you feel.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve heard the expression “Happiness is a choice.” And unless you also live a Pollyanna existence in which you aren’t troubled by bills, work, disagreements, unmanageable schedules, and unforeseen accidents, your response to that particular platitude was probably “Yeah, right.” After all, nobody chooses to rear-end another driver, to bomb a big presentation at work, or to go through a nasty divorce. It seems that the things that make us unhappy (or downright miserable) are usually out of our control, and the best we can do is simply try to gut out the tough times without completely breaking down. Right?

Wrong. While it’s true that you’ll never wake up and magically experience the perfect day, according to Todd Patkin your day-to-day happiness is more firmly in your control than you ever dreamed possible…and it all comes down to choosing the “healthier” reaction.

“Happiness is not something that just happens,” asserts Patkin, author of the new book Finding Happiness: One Man’s Quest to Beat Depression and Anxiety and—Finally—Let the Sunshine In “Instead, happiness is learning how to live your best life by—among other things—figuring out a more positive way to react to the negative things that happen to you. It’s the culmination of all of the seemingly small choices that you make throughout your day.”

“I was truly surprised to discover how radically different my life could be as I started to react and respond in new ways to various things, such as choosing not to participate in water-cooler gripe-fests,” Patkin recalls. “I realized that becoming happier is a lot like losing weight: ‘Little’ things like choosing to eat whole wheat pasta instead of regular noodles might not seem like much at the time, but they make a tremendous difference to your overall health in the long run.”

While you’ll never be able to avoid stressors, dilemmas, and other obstacles that life throws in your path, you can influence how deeply they affect your happiness if you learn to choose the “healthy” reaction. Read on to learn the “choose this, not that” explanation for nine common stressful scenarios:

Scenario #1: You’re having an absolutely terrible morning. You wake up late, throw on the first (frumpy) outfit you can get your hands on, and run out the door without breakfast. When you crank your car, it doesn’t start because the battery is dead. Fortunately, your neighbor is able to jumpstart your car, and after a quick “thank you,” you speed toward the office. After hitting what seems like every red light along the way, you finally arrive at your desk, frustrated and late. You go to the breakroom to get a cup of coffee and immediately start to rehash the events of your morning to your coworkers.

Choose this: After relating this series of unfortunate events to your officemates, make a joke about your terrible luck: “I’ve never been this happy to be at work before!” Then try to put the events of the morning out of your mind and carry on. Vow to live in the present moment as your day unfolds. Once you arrive home, make plans to ensure that tomorrow morning goes more smoothly: lay out your outfit for the next day, set your alarm for fifteen minutes earlier than normal, and decide ahead of time what you will eat for breakfast. And before you go to bed, be sure to tell your spouse about the kind neighbor who jumpstarted your car this morning.

NOT that: Once you have the full attention of everyone in your office, you say, “This has been the worst morning of my life!” and proceed to describe every frustrating detail in full. All morning you stew at your desk, and at lunch, you rant to your coworkers some more. You are fuming for the rest of the day and get nothing done. And when you get home, you rehash the details of your disastrous morning to your spouse before crawling into bed, still disgruntled.

Why? Stressing over things that have already happened drains your energy and accomplishes nothing. You can’t take back the events of the past, but you can choose to make the present and future better. Realize that you can’t control everything and try to put a positive spin on the situation…and maybe even laugh about it.

“It’s very important to get negativity out of your mind and avoid the victim mentality,” confirms Patkin. “Taking action to improve your situation—and thus your happiness—is a choice. Also, it’s important to realize that when you verbally exaggerate how bad something is, that becomes your reality. So if you must say something about what happened to you, it’s much better to say something like ‘Today clearly was not my best day’ rather than ‘Today was absolutely the most dreadful day of my whole life!’”

Scenario #2: You are planning a family vacation at the beach. Well in advance, you call to reserve a hotel room and then plan a detailed itinerary for each day to make sure your family is able to do everything you want while you’re there. The day before the trip, you do the laundry, straighten up the house, take the dog to the kennel, and help the kids pack their suitcases. Upon arriving at the beach, your spouse tells you that he forgot to pack the beach bag in the car (the only thing he was in charge of!). All of the toys, sunscreen, and chairs are still at your house, hours away! So instead of heading straight to the shore, you’re headed to the nearest store to pay a premium for things you already own.

Choose this: It’s natural to be frustrated, but try to focus on the big picture. Remind yourself to be thankful for the time that you have to spend with your family away from work, email, errands, and other normal responsibilities. Also, realize that it’s really the principle of the matter that you are upset about, not necessarily the situation. Next time, clearly define your expectations to your spouse ahead of time—perhaps he assumed that you would load the beach bag in the car along with the suitcases after he packed it. And keep in mind that handling this situation well can be a great learning opportunity for your children: first, how to handle a mix-up; second, how to treat a loved one when he or she makes a mistake; and third, that no one is perfect. (In fact, you might all end up laughing at the neon-colored beach towels you end up buying!)

NOT that: You immediately begin to scold your husband for his forgetfulness (in the presence of your children). Soon, the two of you are engaged in a huge fight that ruins the entire family’s day. And throughout the vacation, you continue to make snide comments about how it would have been nice to be sitting in your favorite beach chair instead of in a cheap replacement.

Why? Spending time dealing with poor performers and people who drop the ball (especially if it’s a repeated offense instead of a one-time slip-up) can be frustrating and draining. Since you can’t change what happened, it’s best to make the best of what you have to work with. And while you should try to correct the problem and prevent it from cropping up in the future, it’s useless to stir up unproductive contention.

Scenario #3: You just completed the second-round interview for a job that would not only mean more responsibility but also a pay raise. You really think you’ve aced the interview, and you’re already starting to imagine yourself settling into your new office and impressing your new colleagues with your work. Then, a few days later, you get a call back saying that you weren’t selected for the position. Now you’re home alone, and there’s a pint of ice cream practically screaming your name to ease the pain of this huge disappointment.

Choose this: Go for a walk to clear your head. Remind yourself that you do hundreds of things right in a day and that this is just one situation that did not turn out the way you would have liked. The fact is, you may never know why you didn’t get the job. Remind yourself of your qualifications and remember that this disappointment doesn’t necessarily mean that you are in any way lacking. After all, it’s possible that the owner’s son finally decided to step up and take the job himself! Again, you’ll never know for sure. After thinking things through during your walk, you’ll feel less stressed out. You still may want some of that ice cream, but (hopefully) you’ll eat only a small portion of it.

NOT that: After forcefully hanging up the phone, you grab a spoon and the ice cream carton and dig in. You tell yourself that your answers in the interview must have been much worse than you thought they were, and you replay the whole scene in your head with a negative spin. Meanwhile, you mindlessly eat until you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the carton. The sugar high lifts your spirits temporarily, but before long you develop a stomachache and feel sluggish. Soon, you feel guilty about eating so much ice cream and are even more stressed about your future.

Why? Focusing on what you do right will make you feel fulfilled and proud of yourself. Also, skipping the ice cream and going for a walk will make you feel better and, if you keep it up, look better too. Although gorging on sugary or greasy foods may improve your mood temporarily, you can bet that you’ll feel even worse once the effects wear off, leaving you with more stress than you started with.

“Beating yourself up over minor mistakes or things that might not even have happened, like assuming you must have actually blown the interview that you thought you aced because you did not get the job, is not productive and doesn’t contribute to your overall happiness,” Patkin confirms. “If you do identify anything that you might have done differently, learn from your mistake and then try to move on.”

Scenario #4: You’re in the grocery store on your way home from work because you have to pick up a few things for dinner. You’re tired, and you’re just trying to get in and get out as quickly as possible—you certainly don’t really feel like talking. As you’re grabbing a box of pasta, you see a woman who looks familiar to you on the other side of the aisle. You realize that she is the mother of a child with whom your daughter goes to school, though you and she have spoken only a few times before. The woman looks up and spots you, and you can tell that she recognizes you, too.

Choose this: Say hello and strike up a brief conversation. Ask how her child is doing. Mention that you are thinking about chaperoning the upcoming school field trip and ask her if she would like to join in. Then end the conversation by saying, “It was so great to see you! I’ll let you get back to shopping.”

NOT that: After seeing that this woman has recognized you, you look away quickly and pretend to be completely absorbed in reading the nutrition facts on a box of rotini. Instead of actually looking at calories and serving sizes, though, you just wait until the woman passes you, then you avoid her for the rest of the shopping trip. When you see her leave with her bags, you cautiously approach the check-out line.

Why? When you choose to be friendly, you’ll be surprised by the positive reactions you get from others and by how good you feel about yourself. And conversely, since you can never hide from yourself, you’ll feel like less of a person if you act in a weak, cowardly manner. Also, realize that if you do not engage with the woman in the store, she may feel that you were being rude, even though you know you were just very busy. This will shape her perception of you, and she will likely not respond positively to you in the future.

Scenario #5: You are going through a nasty divorce that you did not see coming. Except for hammering out the details of your separation (neither of you wants to give the other an inch), your former spouse seems to be moving on happily and has even started dating someone else. Meanwhile, you are extremely hurt and are having trouble putting the pieces of your life back together. Many of your friends and family members are doing whatever they can to support you.

Choose this: Talk with your loved ones about the situation. Tell them you appreciate their support, then try to stop rehashing events that are already past. If your spouse tries to sling insults and pick a fight, don’t indulge him or her. Do something special for you, maybe something you couldn’t do while you were married. For example, if you love dogs but your former spouse is allergic to them, adopt a puppy.

NOT that: You feel that you have every right to be angry and bitter, and you go over every detail of your situation with loved ones again and again until it is all you can think about. You have no problem with letting your pain consume you, and you participate in name-calling and petty fights over who gets to keep the television. You also spread horrible rumors about your former spouse and his or her new partner, and you feel that broadcasting arguments and trash-talk over Facebook is no more than your ex deserves.

Why? People will start to define you by this event and then possibly avoid you in the future. By taking the high road, you are choosing not to let the actions of others bring you down. Although it might not be easy to identify, you can actually find an opportunity within a bad situation. Engaging in fights and slinging insults only perpetuates negativity and blinds you to possible doors that may be open to you. Besides, if your spouse fails to rile you up, you will be able to conclude your business with one another as quickly as possible.

Scenario #6: You are giving a presentation at work. You feel fully prepared and you know what you’re talking about. The first part of the presentation goes smoothly, and the few jitters you felt at the beginning have been entirely replaced by confidence. When you look up from your notes to make eye contact with your coworkers, though, you lose your place in your notes. There is a long pause while you frantically search for the next point you wanted to make. You are a bit shaken, but you carry on and finish out your presentation without any other problems.

Choose this: Focus on what went well in the presentation. When people tell you that you did a nice job, accept the compliments with a genuine smile and thank them. Tell yourself, Overall, the presentation went very well, but next time I should organize my notes a bit better. Then you get to work on your next big project!

NOT that: You fixate on the pause during your presentation and disregard everything else. When people tell you that you did a nice job, you respond, “That’s nice of you to say, but I could just kick myself for messing up.” Throughout the rest of the week, you continue to tell yourself, I am a failure.

Why? One of the keys to happiness is choosing to be easier on yourself. Why let the one thing you did wrong ruin the hundreds of things you’ve done right? It is human nature to focus on the negative, but you have the power to change your thought process. As long as you learn from your mistakes, you should accept them as a part of life—you’re not the only person who has ever messed up! Plus, the mistakes you make usually pale in comparison to your accomplishments. Happy people acknowledge their achievements and keep their mistakes in perspective.

“Too often, we torture ourselves for not being perfect,” Patkin points out. “But aren’t we human and thus fallible? We all make mistakes, so doesn’t it make more sense to laugh at your own humanity? And believe me, no one cares about that little mistake you made in your speech, so why should you let such a small slip-up dominate your whole week?”

Scenario #7: Your family is planning a huge reunion cookout. Relatives you haven’t seen for years will be coming into town, and you’re even going to be meeting a few new cousins for the first time. You really want to help, but you do not know how to cook, especially on a large scale.

Choose this: Offer to make and distribute a list of what everyone is bringing and to be in charge of soliciting dishes that no one has claimed yet. Sign yourself up to provide items that don’t require pots and pans to prepare, like paper plates, sodas, and napkins. Tell everyone that you’re not the best cook, but you would love to take care of the planning and decorations because you have an eye for details.

NOT that: You vow that this will be the occasion when you overcome your culinary impediments, so you buy an expensive cookbook and choose a recipe that you’re sure everyone will love. Then you go to the grocery store the night before the cookout and try to find ingredients you have never even heard of. After you’ve collected everything you need, you painstakingly make one batch of your dish, only to realize that you missed a step in the preparation. Now, you have no choice but to stay up until 2 a.m. to make a second batch that turns out to be only slightly more edible.

Why? By playing to your strengths, you can save yourself a lot of useless frustration. This does not mean that you should give up when you are not good at something, but rather that it’s most helpful to direct the majority of your energy toward what you are good at.

“It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that you will gain the most self-confidence by doing what you’re best at,” states Patkin. “No one is good at everything, and part of being happy is accepting this idea and playing to your strengths.”

Scenario #8: One of your friends loves to complain about everything. Her marriage, kids, looks, everything! Each time you see her, the conversation turns into a major vent session that leaves you feeling exhausted and negative. In the middle of a girls’ night out, for example, she’ll mention how unhealthy Mexican food is and that none of the entrees on the menu are allowed on the new diet she just started. Or when you run into her picking up your daughter from dance class, she’ll want to gossip about the latest scandal involving the science teacher at the middle school. You can’t ever seem to talk about things that actually make you feel good!

Choose this: Without being rude, start spending less time around this person and more around people who are more positive. Casually listen to your friend’s conversations when you are together, and try to join in only if you have something positive to contribute. (Remember how negative you feel after these rants!) When the opportunity presents itself, kindly excuse yourself and join in on another conversation, or nicely segue into talking about the weather or your upcoming vacation.

NOT that: After hearing your friend rant on the negative topic du jour, you realize anew how unhappy you are with your weight or your husband, and you join in on the negativity. Soon you’re in a foul mood that rubs off on your family after you return home.

Why? Surrounding yourself with positive people leads to happiness. Negative people drain energy from everyone around them, even though that may not be their stated intention. When you give your friend positive advice and do not allow her to suck you in, she will eventually seek out someone else to listen to her woes.

“Negative people crave pity and sympathy—be understanding, but don’t overdo it,” Patkin advises. “Instead, hang out more with positive people. Their attitudes will rub off on you and you will have more mutually beneficial relationships because of these relationships. Remember, your attitude will be the average of the five people you spend the most time with, so please put some thought into who these people are!”

Scenario #9: You are feeling down about your financial situation, which is looking pretty dismal because of cutbacks at work. You wish you could move into a bigger house, but you don’t have the money. Your car is on its last leg and soon you will need a new one, but you don’t know how you’ll be able to afford something that won’t also break down in a matter of months. And for the first time this year, you had to severely curtail the extent of your kids’ back-to-school shopping and Christmas presents, which makes you feel horrible.

Choose this: Focus on what you do have. Every day, you make a point to be thankful for your health, your children’s health, and so, so much more. You also remind your family that money does not buy the things that truly cultivate genuine, lasting happiness, like the love for one another you all share. Because of these reminders, you are prompted to put more care into spending quality time with the people you care most about.

NOT that: Every day, you think about the things you want and can’t afford. Before long, you’ve fallen into a depression because you can’t acquire them, and you think of yourself as the most misfortunate person you know. In the midst of all this self-inflicted misery, you completely disregard everything that you have to be grateful for.

Why? Being grateful for what you have can turn your whole outlook around. When you gain a sense of perspective and recognize the blessings in your life, whatever you are lacking will not seem nearly as important. Start naming five things you are grateful for each day: anything from the good weather to spending time with loved ones. You may be surprised by just how fortunate—and happy—you really are.

“You can always find just as many people who have less than you as those who have more than you,” asserts Patkin. “It is up to you to choose the people to whom you compare yourself. And that decision, I promise you, will greatly influence your own happiness. Always remind yourself that you are lucky to be alive, healthy, and able to meet your basic needs.”

“Just as you would if you were on a long-term diet, expect temptations, rough patches, and bad days to occur in your life,” Patkin concludes. “However, if you realize that your reactions to these situations can make the difference between being happy and being bitter and negative, you’ll do yourself a huge favor. Remember, happiness is a choice…as long as you choose this and not that!”

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About the Author:

Todd Patkin grew up in Needham, Massachusetts. After graduating from Tufts University, he joined the family business and spent the next eighteen years helping to grow it to new heights. After it was purchased by Advance Auto Parts in 2005, he was free to focus on his main passions: philanthropy and giving back to the community, spending time with family and friends, and helping more people learn how to be happy. Todd lives with his wonderful wife, Yadira, their amazing son, Josh, and two great dogs, Tucker and Hunter.