Why Happiness Depends on Banishing Envy from Your Life…and How You Can Get Started Now

On St. Patrick’s Day, we’re all focused on green. But throughout the rest of the year, green—specifically, the green-eyed monster—isn’t something that will do you much good.

Todd Patkin shares tips to help you feel less envy…and more happiness.

When St. Patrick’s Day rolls around, you just can’t escape green. Even if you don’t wear it (and want to risk getting pinched), it’s still everywhere from store windows to menu specials to parades on TV. But that’s okay—on March 17th, green is good. “Irish” green is associated with happiness, celebrations, shamrocks, and the Emerald Isle. Too bad that’s not the case the other 364 days of the year!

According to Todd Patkin, most of us normally experience green in a much more negative way: through envy. And that’s definitely not a good thing.

“Being in the clutches of the green-eyed monster can really sabotage your overall happiness,” says Patkin, author of Finding Happiness: One Man’s Quest to Beat Depression and Anxiety and—Finally—Let the Sunshine In. “That’s because envy makes you focus on what you don’t have instead of all of the great things you do have.”

Patkin points out that social media has really exacerbated the extent to which envy affects our lives. Think about it: Sites like Twitter and Facebook allow people to live their lives in full view of others…and sugarcoat every aspect of them. When you log on, you’re bound to see pictures and posts that read, “Most beautiful wedding ever!” “This was a dream vacation in paradise!” or “Drinks on me—I just got a promotion!”

The bottom line is, jealousy doesn’t do anybody any good. It makes you feel needlessly unhappy, and it can negatively affect your relationship with others. Here are six of Patkin’s tips to help you banish envy the next time it starts to rear its ugly head:

Admit that envy is a problem. To some extent, envy is natural. You can’t go through your life without feeling jealous from time to time. So first, simply take note of when and why the green-eyed monster makes an appearance. (You may not even have consciously realized what you’re feeling!) Specifically, be aware of how strong your emotions are and what effect they have on your attitude and behavior.

“You don’t have to take your emotional temperature every five minutes, but being generally aware of the role envy plays in your life can really make a difference in your behavior,” Patkin says. “For instance, if you’re carrying around a lot of anger toward a coworker because the boss liked his project proposal instead of yours, it could be making you unnecessarily snarky, critical, and negative. That means that you’re ruining your own day and hurting your performance…and you might also be burning some office bridges you’ll regret later!”

Remember that “happiness” looks different for everyone. When you’re constantly comparing yourself to the Joneses, you’ll suffer several unintended consequences. First, worrying about how you don’t measure up robs you of your present happiness. Plus, it leaves you unable to think about how you really want your own life to look.

“We talk about the American dream of a house, a pool, two cars in the garage, and the proverbial white picket fence,” Patkin explains. “But the truth is, the same cookie-cutter mold doesn’t work for everybody! The lifestyle that makes your neighbor or your cousin or your dentist happy might not work for you. And if that’s the case, who cares if it’s flashier, more glamorous, or ‘cooler’? Trust me, when you give yourself permission to live your life on your terms instead of letting others set the bar (and feeling jealous as a result), you might be surprised by how good you already have it.”

Cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Yes, living with an “attitude of gratitude” is a clichéd concept. But infusing it into your life will also totally change your viewpoint…especially if you have a chronic case of “the envies.” The fact is, it’s very easy to take things for granted: the information your coworker emailed you, the fact that your car is running, and even the food you’re eating for dinner. Most of us have gotten into the habit of ignoring all of the good things in our lives, and instead, we focus our mental energy on being upset about what’s wrong. But Patkin promises that it can be a true game changer when you reverse the time you spend thinking about each.

“Over the course of my life, I have learned that it’s smarter to thank others because of how they make your life better instead of secretly resenting them because they have something you don’t,” he claims. “And yes, it does take a while to make this change in how you habitually think. To start tapping into the power of gratitude, just say ‘thanks’ to the people who help you out during your day. (You might even work up to writing thank-you notes, as I do.) And beyond that, try to notice all of the blessings in your life. For me, my wonderful wife and extraordinary son top the list, as well as the fact that I finally get to do what I love—help others live happier lives. In time, you’ll start to notice that most of your envy has miraculously left the building.”

Focus on others…but in a different way. If you have an hour or so of free time, you could spend it by trawling Facebook (and maybe watching a reality show that highlights the lifestyles of the rich and famous in the background). At the end of that hour, you’ll probably feel dissatisfied with your own lot in life, if you’re not outright angry at how “good” other people have it. Or, you could spend your free time helping your kids build a fort in the backyard, using your financial know-how to help a friend set up a much-needed budget, or even volunteering at a local organization that needs an extra pair of hands.

“If you choose the second option, you’ll be a lot happier—guaranteed,” Patkin promises. “Instead of focusing on how much you think your life sucks, focus on how you can use your strengths to help others’ lives be better. It will take the same amount of time but will be so much more uplifting and productive. We all have a choice: We can choose to look to the right and see people who have ‘more,’ or we can choose to look to the left and see others who aren’t as fortunate…and whom we can tangibly help. I firmly believe that the greatest fulfillment in life comes not from satisfying ourselves, but from helping others.”

Be generous. You’ve heard the saying, “The more you give, the more you receive.” Well, that goes for happiness, gratitude, help, friendship, and more! When you are generous with these things, you’ll invite them back into your life, too. People who are positive, supportive, and loving experience life very differently from those who are jealous and negative.

“Here’s an easy example of what I mean,” recounts Patkin. “Say your friend just got engaged, and you’re still looking for your own Mr. (or Ms.) Right. It’s okay to feel a twinge of jealousy at first. But instead of feeding the fire by scowling at a newly posted album of engagement photos and wishing that you too could change your relationship status to ‘engaged,’ call your friend and congratulate her! You’ll have to acknowledge that she didn’t say ‘yes’ with the intention of making you feel bad, and you’ll probably also hang up the phone feeling happy for her.”

Pay more attention to the little things. If you think about it, a lot of us experience envy over the “big” things: relationships, wealth, career opportunities, vacations, houses, etc. But it’s also true that all of our happiness doesn’t come from, say, getting a new car—a lot of it also comes from a variety of little things that add up.

“Take a few minutes and think about what makes you happy on a day-to-day basis,” Patkin advises. “It might be eating a delicious meal, taking a few minutes to read a chapter in your latest book, or taking a walk with your spouse. Then, make an effort to incorporate those things into your life as often as you can. Think about it this way: You can’t give yourself a promotion at work, but you can definitely get yourself a yummy cup of coffee on your way into the office. When you let the little things make you happy more often, there will be less room for envy to creep in.”

“Don’t underestimate the insidious power of envy,” Patkin concludes. “If you allow it to take root in your life, it will bring you only bitterness, isolation, and disappointment. But the good news is, it really is in your power to take charge of the green-eyed monster. Just remember, if you always try to focus on what is going well in your life, you will feel much more balanced and look back on your life with much less regret. I promise, taking gradual steps to banish jealousy will make you happier each and every day!”

Todd Patkin, author of Finding Happiness: One Man’s Quest to Beat Depression and Anxiety and—Finally—Let the Sunshine In, grew up in Needham, Massachusetts. After graduating from Tufts University, he joined the family business and spent the next eighteen years helping to grow it to new heights. After it was purchased by Advance Auto Parts in 2005, he was free to focus on his main passions: philanthropy and giving back to the community, spending time with family and friends, and helping more people learn how to be happy. Todd lives with his wonderful wife, Yadira, their amazing son, Josh, and two great dogs, Tucker and Hunter.

Life Coach Reveals How to Get Over The Worst When It Happens To You!

We never imagine ourselves as the victims, but sometimes, the things we think could never happen to us find a way of happening.

Too many of us replay in our minds the events that led to those circumstances, but life coach Teri Johnson believes that reviewing the past isn’t the answer. What we do next is what matters the most.

“All the things you never thought you’d experience, but did, leave behind lingering after effects that can stop us in our tracks,” said Johnson, author of Overcoming the Nevers (www.overcomingthenevers.com). “Shame, guilt, anger and resentment start to sink in. We start to believe lies about ourselves, such as ‘I’m not good enough’ or ‘I’m undeserving.’ We escape our pain and these toxic feelings by retreating into unhealthy behaviors and addictions. But there is freedom from the struggle. There is hope in discovering the truth. There is a way to fall in love with who we are to experience a joy-filled life.”

Johnson shares a solution to overcome those feelings in a series of 12 simple steps that she feels can be practically applied to our lives – if we are ready to do the work. Here are five of the these steps…

• Willingness – Freedom starts with willingness. You have to want this for yourself. There is no one who can decide for you, or do the work on your on your behalf. Willingness is readiness.

• Acceptance – Do you have the strength to make the changes necessary to turn a situation around through an attitude of acceptance? Or will you remain powerless, remain in the state of non-acceptance and let everything around you dictate how you feel? I can’t change somebody else. Period.

• Surrender – All of us are surrendered to something. What we surrender ourselves to ultimately becomes our god, what we worship, turn to, or rely upon. The question is, what are we surrendered to? Is it something firm, solid and long-lasting, or something that can slip away, burn to ashes or be swallowed?

• Courage – We cannot overcome an issue we do not know exists, we need to search. We cannot become who we were created to be, without embracing our strengths and uncovering our God-given gifts and talents. So we need to look through our lives carefully to find the answers. How do we do this? Without fear with courage, boldness and bravery.

• Responsibility – We have a responsibility for ourselves in all areas of our lives in all of our roles. No one can attempt to change us or to control us, unless we give them the power. We need to be the change. Admitting opens this door. Will you walk through it?

“Many people just want a quick fix and aren’t willing to put in the work required,” she added. “I believe that, in this economy, everyone is experiencing ‘nevers’ they didn’t believe they’d ever encounter. Some are affected by the loss of job, foreclosure or even bankruptcy. People who hold down two or more jobs may find their health diminishing, or even joining the ranks of the millions of Americans who suffer from obesity. Divorce, drugs, addictions, workplace issues – they can all creep up on us if we aren’t diligent. The key thing is to understand how to handle those ‘nevers’ when they occur, and not be daunted. It’s never easy, but always worth it.”

About Teri Johnson

Teri is a writer, inspirational speaker, and sought-after personal growth expert. Her unique strategies have helped transform the lives of her clients, enlightening, guiding and motivating them to achieve even their most deeply desired goals. Teri is the President and Founder of Keeping It Personal (www.keepingitpersonal.com), a company that specializes in self-development training and discovering your life purpose.

Life Coach Reveals How to Get Over The Worst When It Happens To You!

We never imagine ourselves as the victims, but sometimes, the things we think could never happen to us find a way of happening.

50 Ways to Get Real In the Upcoming Year – Part One

Insights from Kathleen McIntire and artist Erin Cote

au•then•tic  [aw-then-tik]

adjective

1. not false or copied; genuine; real

-Dictionary.com

Authenticity. It’s one of those words that gets tossed around quite a bit these days. (In fact, it’s in danger of becoming a bit of a cliché.) Sure, we all think we’re authentic in our words and actions. But what does it actually mean? More to the point, what does an authentic life really look like? Kathleen McIntire and Erin Cote share the following tips for “getting real” in various areas of your life:

YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF

“We need to find the courage to say NO to the things and people that are not serving us if we want to rediscover ourselves and live our lives with authenticity.” Barbara de Angelis

• Come to terms with what really matters to you. Get comfortable with it. Maybe you’re okay with a smaller income and more free time. Maybe you’re okay with an extra 20 pounds. Never apologize for not “fitting in.” The minute you find yourself worrying about how others perceive you is the minute you abandon authenticity.

• Whatever you decide to do (or not to do), own your decision. If you find you can’t own it—if you feel wracked with guilt or compelled to hide the truth from those around you—it’s time to re-think what you’re doing.

• If in your journey to authenticity you decide a lifestyle change is needed, be realistic in your goal-setting. Let’s say you decide your diet, heavy in fats and processed foods, isn’t serving you well. If you know you aren’t going to grow an organic garden in your back yard, set a goal to prepare a body- and soul-nourishing meal (heavy on the veggies and supplemented with organically raised meat) two days a week at first. It’s best to take “baby steps” and plan to make more dramatic changes when you’re ready. In this way you’ll build the confidence you need to succeed.

• Break an unwritten “rule” made by others and reject any shame. Allowing others to shame us keeps us living on the treadmill and trying to fit in by doing it the “right way.” Authenticity is inner directed. Inauthenticity comes from caring what others think and letting the external dictate how you live.

• Ask yourself, “What am I hiding?” Make the choice to reveal something you’ve been fiercely protecting. Chip away at the armor by sharing a secret with partner or a friend or maybe just your cat or your journal.

• It’s okay to do things for yourself. Honor your own needs. Sometimes we all need a massage or a new handbag or just a couple of hours alone while our spouse takes the kids to a movie.

• Give yourself permission to have feelings that you think you “shouldn’t” have. Should and shouldn’t have no place in an authentic life.

• Get real about money. Spending what you can’t afford to spend is another way of pretending to be who we aren’t. It’s also a disaster in the making!

• Take a break from the need to DO something. Simply BE. Simply show up as you are and love.

• Know when you’re at your best and when you’re not. (When you’re not, it’s almost always the perfect time for a bath or a nap!)

• Call a moratorium on victim talk. Authentic people don’t blame others. They recognize their own power and use it to create their own reality.

• Own your emotions. If you can’t help crying in confrontational situations, let the tears flow. If you’re devastated when a pet dies, accept condolences without apologizing or minimizing. You feel what you feel…let go of the label of being “too sensitive.”

• Each week, spend some time outside. When we disconnect from Nature, we disconnect from Source. We’re creatures of the Earth and it’s hard to thrive in an artificial world.

• Declutter a little (people and “stuff”). When you’re too busy trying to manage chaos you can’t relax enough to even know who you are and what you need and want. (Do you really love Grandma’s china? If you don’t, give it to someone who does. Are you really going to fit into those size 8 jeans ever again? If not, get rid of them!)

• Seize every opportunity to say, “I love you”—to yourself. Until we can fully love ourselves, we can’t fully love the others in our life.

About the Authors:

Kathleen McIntire is a transformational teacher, speaker, and healer who is dedicated to bringing forth truth, liberation, and awakening. She is the author and creator of Guiding Signs 101, a set of divination cards and guidebook using everyday road signs to tap into your intuition and own inner guidance.

Kathleen is the producer of two upcoming Mayan films. The first, Mayan Renaissance, is being made by PeaceJam, an international education program for youth built around leading Nobel Peace Laureates. The other film is The Unification of Wisdom and 2012. In the near future she will be a presenter on the Womens Empowerment (WE) Channel on the CANDO Networks. Kathleen’s website addresses are www.soaringinlight.com and www.guidingsigns101.com.

Erin Cote has been involved in creative design for over a decade. Her main focus is on bringing humor and playfulness to professional environments. Through Laughter Therapy she teaches others about the importance of play and laughter. As the founder of ULaugh, Erin conducts laughter presentations and workshops in Northern California for the public, businesses, and hospitals.

Together, Erin and Kathleen bring their talents of wisdom, design, and playfulness into the creation of Guiding Signs 101. Erin can be contacted through her website at: www.UlaughAlot.com or through www.GuidingSigns101.com.

Read more in Part Two: Authentic Friendships

Five Ways to Help Your Kids Feel Comfortable Connecting

Small talk is an important skill for any connector, regardless of age, to master. From the check-out line at the grocery store to the person sitting next to you on a flight, you just never know which connection can result in something big or wonderful. When you look at it that way, every connection you don’t make is a potential opportunity missed, so engaging meaningfully is a skill that’s best learned early. Maribeth Kuzmeski, author of The Engaging Child: Raising Children to Speak, Write, and Have Relationship Skills Beyond Technology, shares five strategies your kids can use to connect with people in any scenario this holiday season.

1.  Share something extra about themselves. When adults meet a new child, they’ll often ask easy-to-answer stock questions like, “What’s your name? How old are you?” In addition to providing the “bare bones” answer, help your children think of something extra they can offer. For instance, your son might say, “Hi, I’m Billy. I’m five years old and I love to play baseball!” Voilà! What might have been a standard teeth-pulling session has just been transformed into a bona fide conversation.
2. Be complimentary. Whether you’re seven or seventy-seven, a compliment is always a great way to break the conversational ice. To get started, teach your kids to comment on something interesting the other person is wearing. For example, “I love that necklace you’re wearing. It’s so pretty!” Or, “Wow, your shirt is my very favorite color.”
3. • Talk about the weather. Sure, commenting on the weather has a rather “blah” reputation, but the fact is, it works, and it’s a great way to ease into a conversation with someone you don’t know very well. Teach kids to pay attention to their surroundings so they can comment on them during small talk. For example, “Have you been enjoying the nice weather?” Or, “I really hope the forecast is accurate, because I’d love a white Christmas!”
4. • Find things in common. If you can find a common interest with the person to whom you’re speaking, small talk can turn from mediocre to meaningful in an instant. Teach your kids to be aware of conversational and external cues. If your daughter notices that someone is wearing a Braves jersey and she’s also a fan, she can strike up a conversation about the latest game. Or if your son hears someone say that she’s from Columbus, Ohio, he might say, “My grandparents live near Columbus. Don’t you love the zoo there?” (Hint: If you are going into a situation and think of some common interests ahead of time, go ahead and arm your kids with them!)
5. • Wrap it up well. One of the trickiest parts of small talk is the conclusion. Give kids a few lines they can use to wrap up a conversation before it veers into awkward silence. “It was great to meet you. I hope to see you again soon! Enjoy your holidays.”

Read Part One of this article: ‘Tis the Season for Teachable Moments

Nine Ways to Help Your Kids (Politely!) Connect and Communicate This Holiday Season

Just like adults, kids are required to navigate a variety of social settings throughout the holidays. Maribeth Kuzmeski shares expert advice on how to help your kids behave appropriately and engage meaningfully with everyone from the grocery store clerk to Grandma and Grandpa.

“Aww, man! I wanted a new game for my Xbox, not another sweater.” Or, “…click…click…” (That’s the sound of a teenager texting instead of answering Aunt Debbie’s question.) If you’re a parent, you’ve been there at one point or another, and you know that a child’s social missteps—even if they aren’t purposeful or malicious—can be mortifying.

According to Maribeth Kuzmeski, the holiday season is when parents tend to notice most acutely which of their kids’ habits could use improvement—after all, friends and family are there to witness what you see as an embarrassing display that reflects poorly on your parenting skills.

“As a parent myself, I know that in the everyday hurry and worry of life, it’s easy to let your kids’ smaller foibles go uncorrected,” admits Kuzmeski, author of the new book The Engaging Child: Raising Children to Speak, Write, and Have Relationship Skills Beyond Technology. “And once you’re in the midst of the packed holiday social season, it’s too late to correct behaviors you previously overlooked. The good news is, there’s no better time than now to take advantage of teachable moments, before all of those parties and gatherings begin.”

Giving parents the tools they’ll need to help their children develop a strong ability to connect with others is the focus of Kuzmeski’s latest book. It’s packed full of strategies and techniques that will teach kids to engage others meaningfully and productively, a skill that—according to research—plays a huge role in driving personal and professional success. As an added bonus, the last two chapters of the book are written by Kuzmeski’s seventeen-year-old daughter, Lizzie. They are meant to be read by Lizzie’s fellow teens and tweens in order to provide a peer’s perspective on the elements of building and maintaining real relationships in a wired and fast-paced world.

“My experience as a professional and as a parent has convinced me that one of the most valuable gifts you can give your kids is to teach them how to effectively engage with others in a variety of settings,” Kuzmeski confirms. “And the holiday season provides a wealth of opportunities to demonstrate and practice those skills.”

Kuzmeski recommends taking stock of all of the parties, pageants, and social settings you’ll be attending with your kids in the upcoming weeks, and deciding beforehand what habits and skills you’d like them to demonstrate.

“Don’t assume that your child ‘would never’ act in a certain way, or even that he or she ‘knows better’ than to engage in a particular behavior,” she advises. “Remember, kids don’t always know intuitively when they need to be on their best behavior, and they can’t ‘fake it’ as easily as adults can. The truth is, young people aren’t as disengaged and rude as we assume them to be—they just don’t always know the proper way to act. So start having these discussions now, not when you’re parking at Grandma’s house. And always, always be sure to model appropriate behaviors yourself!”

The more you practice good connecting skills with your children, the more they’ll become ingrained as habits. Here are nine holiday situations that Kuzmeski recommends using to instill productive communicating skills in your kids:

Teach them that sometimes it’s cool to unplug. One of the biggest complaints that adults have with “young people today” is that they’re always “plugged in.” To some extent, that’s true—email, social networking, text messaging, mp3 players, and more have radically changed the way this generation communicates and spends its free time. Now, technology isn’t bad in and of itself, but we all know that it can lead to disengaged and even rude behavior—especially at holiday gatherings. You’ll probably meet with some resistance, but it’s important to teach your kids when they need to step away from the keyboard, and why face-to-face interactions are the most rewarding of all.

“Place a basket at the door during any family event and collect all electronic devices before the mingling starts,” Kuzmeski suggests. “Include a note on the basket that reads, ‘So you can enjoy the friends and family you’re with.’ Explain to your kids how important it is to engage fully with people you love, especially if you don’t see certain individuals during the rest of the year. Point out that if they stay distracted by text messages and Facebook friends, they’ll miss out on fun and memories with cousins, grandparents, and siblings. Plus, kids need to understand that not giving others your attention is just plain rude…and that it won’t be allowed in your family.”

Arm them with ice breakers. For youngsters who spend most of their days “LOLing,” “BRBing,” and “TTYLing,” having a good old-fashioned verbal conversation might be unfamiliar, if not downright intimidating. Especially if your child isn’t a natural chatterbox, it might be helpful to give him a few ideas of how he can strike up a discussion with people he doesn’t see every day.

Explain the importance of expressing gratitude. We live in a “me, me, me” society, and even more than adults, kids tend not to think far beyond their own emotions and experiences. (Don’t blame them; much of it is biological.) During the holidays, that selfish hardwiring tends to manifest itself in a cursory “Thanks for my present!” before the child in question runs off to play with her new loot or rip open the next package. This year’s gift-swapping is a good opportunity for your kids to learn how to express gratitude in a much more meaningful way.

“Explain to your children before the first round of presents is handed out why it’s important to show gratitude,” Kuzmeski says. “Make sure they understand that each present represents the fact that another person cares about them and spent time and money to make them happy. Then, talk about meaningful ways to show gratitude. Perhaps it’s setting aside a few minutes after gift giving to say thanks privately to the gift giver. For example, your daughter might say, ‘I really appreciate the new coat, Grandma. I’ve been eyeing it forever and I can’t tell you how excited I am to finally have it!’ You might also suggest that your children keep a small pad and pen so that they can jot down what they received, and from whom. Later, set aside some time to sit down and write thoughtful thank-you notes together.”

Make sure they mind their manners. During a typical weekday dinner on almost any given day of the year, you might decide to let a muttered, “Eeew, this is gross,” pass without comment. After all, you’re tired from a long day at work and you really don’t have the desire or the energy to disrupt the meal with a lecture. However, the same under-the-breath comment at your mother-in-law’s Christmas extravaganza is the last thing you want to hear from your son. (And that’s only one of many potentially embarrassing situations that might crop up.) Therefore, take advantage of every opportunity to reinforce politeness and to explain why various behaviors aren’t appropriate.

Empower them while you’re traveling. Plenty of families pack up and hit the road to visit family during the holiday season. You may be tempted to handle everything on your own for the sake of convenience, but Kuzmeski asserts that this is a wonderful opportunity to empower your children by allowing them to navigate “adult” situations.

“Capitalize on all of the teachable moments that arise as you travel with your family,” she reiterates. “For example, let your daughter interact with the hotel receptionist and take care of all check-in aspects except the payment.”

Help them to host an event. For most of us, the holiday calendar will be peppered with social events. Your family might even be hosting your own festive get-together. If that’s the case, teach your child the value of being a host and “working” his own party. If you’re throwing a neighborhood gathering, for example, go with your child as he travels from door to door personally inviting each family on your street. Assuming your guests live farther away, sit with him as he phones those to whom he’s closest and asks them to attend your soiree.

“Once the big event is here, have your child greet all of his friends when they arrive,” Kuzmeski instructs. “Then, ask him to keep an eye open to make sure that everyone feels welcome and included—while enjoying himself, of course! You can also help him to direct the flow of the party. (‘Now we’re going to play pin the tail on Rudolph!’ Or, ‘If you need more sprinkles for decorating your gingerbread man, just let me know!’) Lastly, teach him to thank all of the guests for attending as they leave. The fact is, many people don’t learn these skills until they’re adults, so you’ll be giving your child a major leg up.”

Help them connect at the cash register. ’Tis the season for shopping, and the fact is, if you want good service, you must first be a good customer. Learning the value of connecting with the people you do business with—from clients and vendors right down to the lady who checks you out at the grocery store—can mean better experiences for you and for them. While your kids won’t be pitching their company’s product or trying to compromise with a contractor for years to come, they can definitely start learning the skills that will help them do so.

“The next time you and your kids head out to the market or to the mall, help them figure out how to engage with store employees,” Kuzmeski recommends. “Suggest that they thank an employee who showed you where to find an item, let a manager know about a great service experience, or ask the cashier, for once, how his or her day is going.”

Make sure they deliver teacher gifts. It may seem silly to adults who have been conducting their own affairs for years, but personally delivering a gift to an authority figure—particularly a teacher—can be difficult for kids to do. Often, it’s a brand-new way in which to interact with this respected adult, and many children simply aren’t sure how to proceed.

“Instead of having your child leave a gift anonymously on her teacher’s desk, or even handing it over and racing away in embarrassment, coach her on how to deliver a gift in a meaningful way,” Kuzmeski says. “Don’t assume your child can wing it—create a script she can use to tell her teacher how much she appreciates her. She might even mention what she has enjoyed learning about the most. Also, tell your child to include her best wishes for a happy holiday season!”

Remind them to stay on their best behavior—especially in the presence of adults. As most parents are acutely aware, there are more than enough opportunities over the holidays for kids to be under the watchful eyes of adults who don’t normally see them. For better or for worse, it can feel like your success as a parent is up for debate. Yes, you’ll want your kids to behave for your own sake…but it’s also important to teach them that appropriate behavior, as well as right and wrong, don’t change from situation to situation.

“From parties to play dates to family gatherings, explain to your kids that even though they may not be directly interacting with an adult, that adult might still be observing and evaluating their behavior,” Kuzmeski says. “Tell tweens and teens especially that you never know which adult (whether it’s a friend’s parent, a coach, a teacher, etc.) might give you (or turn you down for) your first job or write a college recommendation for you. This concept will also hold true later in life—after all, an uncouth joke in the break room that’s overheard by your boss can have serious ramifications.”

“Ultimately, remember that there is no such thing as a perfectly behaved child,” concludes Kuzmeski. “You’ll probably hit some rough patches as you navigate the holiday season, but if you’re proactive about teaching your child to connect, they will be the exception rather than the rule. And remember, by helping them to grow into connectors, you’ll be giving them—and yourself—a truly invaluable gift this holiday season.”

About the Authors: Maribeth Kuzmeski, MBA, CSP, is the author of six books including …And the Clients Went Wild! and The Connectors (Wiley), and is a frequent national media contributor and international speaker. Maribeth and her firm, Red Zone Marketing, Inc., consult and train businesses from financial services firms to Fortune 500 corporations on strategic marketing planning and business growth. She has personally consulted with some of the world’s most successful CEOs, entrepreneurs, and professionals. Maribeth lives in the Chicago, IL, area with her husband and two teenagers.

Lizzie Kuzmeski is a teenager and a natural connector. She enjoys theatre, horseback riding, and, yes, Facebook.

About the Book:

The Engaging Child: Raising Children to Speak, Write, and Have Relationship Skills Beyond Technology is available at bookstores nationwide and from major online booksellers.

Read Part Two of this article: Small Talk made Simple

Results are in:

Rebtel, the world’s second largest VoIP company after Skype, today announced new results from a recent research study conducted online by Harris Interactive on behalf of Rebtel. The study was conducted from November 18-22, 2011 and gathered responses from more than 2,000 U.S. adults, with the intention of showing the frequency and means of communication between American adults and their family and friends living abroad during the holiday season.

According to the report, online women who plan to communicate with family and friends who are abroad over the holidays are more likely than men to use free services such social networking sites to do so (47% vs. 34%) and more than twice as many U.S. women indicated that they plan to spend less than last year (11% compared to 5% of men). Overall, the study shows that approximately 39% of Americans have family and friends living abroad, with nearly one in five (19%), or 44.6 million American adults planning to communicate with their family and friends who are abroad over the holiday season.

The survey focused on four specific aspects related to the means of communication between Americans and their family and friends living abroad during the holiday season (defined as the time between Thanksgiving and New Years Day):

• Expected number of people planning to communicate with family and friends who are living abroad over the holidays.

• The methods, programs, applications or devices used by those who are planning to communicate with family and friends abroad over the holidays.

• The amount of money Americans plan to spend on international communication over the holidays compared to last holiday season.

• The frequency of mobile application use to communicate with family and friends abroad this holiday season compared to last holiday season.

Are Women Smarter Than Men When it Comes to Holiday Communications Spending?

According to the study, women are much heavier users of alternative methods of staying in touch over the holidays compared to men, and more than twice as many U.S. women than men indicated they plan to spend less money communicating with family and friends than last year:

• Among the 19% of the U.S. adult population that plans to communicate with family and friends abroad over the holiday season, 8% plan to spend less than last year, with more than twice as many women (11%) indicating this than men (5%).

• Among the 19% of the U.S. adult population that plans to communicate with family and friends abroad over the holidays, 23% plan to spend more money communicating than they did last year, with U.S. men being significantly more likely to indicate this than women (30% vs. 16%).

• Among the 19% of the U.S. adult population who plan to communicate with family and friends abroad over the holidays, 69% plan to spend about the same amount of money as last year communicating with family and friends who are abroad, with no significant differences between women (73%) and men (66%).

When given the option to decide which types of communication methods would be used to stay in touch with family and friends abroad over the holiday season, men were significantly more likely to prefer traditional methods, such as home phone/landline (51%) and email (76%). Whereas, half (50%) of U.S. women indicated that they planned to communicate with family and friends via social networking sites, compared to only 41% of U.S. men; furthermore, one third (33%) of women indicated that they planned to use video chat on their personal computer.

Regarding VOIP calling services, like Rebtel and Vonage, nearly three times more online men (11%) than online women (4%) indicated that they planned to use this method to stay in touch with family and friends abroad this holiday season. In terms of communicating via mobile applications (e.g., apps for Facebook, Skype, Rebtel, Kik, What’sApp) on their smartphone, tablet, or eReader, it should be noted that while online men and women plan to use that method about the same (15% and 16% respectively), 45% of online women plan to use mobile applications more than last year, compared to 18% of men.

Among the 19% of U.S. adults who indicated they plan to communicate with family and friends over the holiday season, here’s a break down of their communication preferences, as well as how the responses differed between male and female respondents:

Methods American Adults Plan To Use to Communicate with Family and Friends Abroad Over the Holiday Season:

Email: 71% (Men 76%, Women 64%)

Mobile Phone (using minutes through cell phone provider): 43% (Men 47%, Women 39%)

Home Phone (i.e., traditional landline): 44% (Men 51%, Women 36%)

Social Networking Sites (e.g. Facebook, Twitter) on their personal computer: 45% (Men 41%, Women 50%)

Txt Messaging (through cell phone service): 33% (Men 35%, Women 31%)

Video chat (e.g.,Skype) on their personal computer: 31% (Men 30%, Women 33%)

IM (e.g., AIM, Google Chat,): 22% (Men 26%, Women 18%)

Mobile Applications (e.g., apps for Facebook, Skype, Rebtel, Kik, What’sApp) on their smartphone, tablet and/or eReader: 17% (Men 16%, Women 19%)

VoIP Service (e.g., Vonage, Rebtel) on their personal computer: 9% (Men 13%, Women 6%)

“Our findings show that almost two out of five American adults (39%) have family and friends living abroad, and while men tend to prefer traditional methods of communication when it comes to staying in touch, women appear to be opting for alternative methods like social networks. I think the larger trend is that women are making smarter communication choices, which has the reciprocal affect helping them save money during a time of year where almost everyone can benefit from a little more cash in their wallet,” said Andreas Bernstrom, CEO of Rebtel.

Survey Methodology: Harris Interactive® fielded the study on behalf of Rebtel from November 18 – 22, 2011, via its Harris Poll QuickQuery(SM) online omnibus service, which interviewed a nationwide sample of 2,160 U.S. adults aged 18 years and older. This online survey is not based on a probability sample and therefore no estimate of theoretical sampling error can be calculated. For complete survey methodology, including weighting variables, please contact Eric Gonzalez at eric@vscpr.com.

* According to 2010 U.S. Census estimates, there are approximately 235 million adults living in America (119 million women and 116 million men). Total population is approximately 309 million, with an estimated 24% of the population less than 18 years old. http://www.census.gov/prod/cen2010/briefs/c2010br-03.pdf

During the holiday season, you may have the opportunity to interact with superiors in your organization. This is the perfect opportunity for you to be heard confidently and clearly by your bosses, colleagues and office mates.

A week or two before your office party, leave yourself a voicemail on your office line, and listen to your voice the next time you’re in the office. Analyze your message critically. Is your voice too highly pitched, too gravelly, too loud or too soft? Do you speak too fast or ‘uptalk’ at the ends of your sentences?

Too High a Pitch: When we speak loudly above the noise of the gathering, our vocal folds, throat and jaw can tighten which causes our pitch to rise. Take a deeper breath into your lower rib cage and open your throat as you speak. Your vocal folds will remain relaxed and your pitch will remain lower.

Gravel: Be sure to keep your volume constant through the end of your sentences and pronounce the last word. Frequently, we are ready to move on to our next thought and let our voices trail off or become gravely. Practice singing songs and then speak the songs so that you breathe through the last word.

Uptalk: You sound less confident and certain if you inflect the ends of your sentences upward as if asking a question. If you uptalk, practice stating the last word as a fact. Write down sentences and practice:

Instead of: My name is Sarah Monroe? I work in legal affairs?

Say: My name is Sarah Monroe. I work in legal affairs.

Rapid Rate of Speech: Sometimesyourspeechallruns togetherwhenyouspeaktoofast. Say “Didn’t we work together on the gov-ern-ment’s contract for health care management last year?” Speak smoothly, but remember to say the ends of words and all the syllables in words with many syllables. This strategy will slow you down and assure that you’ll be heard and understood the first time.

Practice these vocal techniques while reading your emails out loud, or by leaving yourself daily voicemails at the office. Start today to unlock your most powerful tool: your voice!

Susan Miller, Ph.D. is a voice and communication coach and founder of Voicetrainer, LLC located in Washington, DC. Her book Be Heard the First time: The Woman’s Guide to Powerful Speaking trains women to maximize their impact every time that they speak. Learn more about her at www.voicetrainer.com.

This article is excerpted from the Holiday Gift Guide for 2011. Be sure and check it out and read other articles about the holidays. It’s also great to add to your online shopping experience! While you’re at it be sure to check out Susan’s special offer for readers of WE Magazine for Women below (click on the link above the ad to view her site):

www.voicetrainer.com

By Dickie Sykes

Years ago, I watched the Dr. Phil McGraw show and he said “If you are going to sell things that Betty buys, you better see life through Betty’s eyes.” I never forgot it and if you’re in business, neither should you. Researchers Colleen Butler and Paul Chinowsky identified the interpersonal skill of empathy as one of five key emotional intelligent behaviors that need additional attention during the development of executives. To be empathetic is to understand the emotions of others; to walk in another person’s shoes. To continually grow your business, you must seek to understand the needs of your customers and see life through their eyes. If you were sitting on the other side of that desk what would you want to hear? You would want to hear the benefit of the product or service, what sets it apart from its competition and its value to your organization. Abraham Lincoln said, “When I get ready to talk to people, I spend two thirds of the time thinking about what they want to hear and one third of the time thinking about what I want to say.” Based on your customers’ needs, challenges and products, what do you think they want to hear?

Before you show up for your next business meeting take time to research who the client is, what they do and how you can service them. Whatever you do, don’t focus on problems, have a solutions focused mindset on how you can help your clients achieve their goals. Coaching psychologists Dianne Stober and Anthony Grant found that having a solutions focused mindset enables people to access and use the wealth of personal experience, skills, expertise and intuition that resides within all of us. With that mindset, determine the goal of the meeting and what action you want to happen. A goal expressed plants a seed in your client’s mind and with the right action plan can grow. Action planning is the process of developing a systematic means of attaining goals. This is extremely important let me tell you why.

When you show up with a goal and action plan, the conversation has structure like a good speech, it has a beginning, middle and end. You are not floundering; you know what you want from the client and the action needed to get it. Your client may not know the action needed. It is not their responsibility to know how to get you what you want but with a goal and plan, they are more likely to discover during the course of conversation ways in which they can be of assistance. The best goals will fall by the wayside without a concrete plan of action. You should create mind mapping exercises at your office based on mock client responses. This gives you direction and ideas on what you can say to keep the conversation flowing towards the goal.

Finally, be your authentic self; No one likes someone who comes off as disingenuous or fake. It’s bad, bad business. High-performing salespersons are significantly more self-aware and authentic (which is a function of emotional intelligence) than low-performers. On the day of your meeting show up wearing confidence and have points in your discussion that excite you, points that you are passionate about and let that enthusiasm shine through. Deliver your ideas with commitment and passion and remember to remind your face that you are excited about what your team can bring to the table. The conversation should have rhythm let your voice rise and fall throughout your presentation so the conversation doesn’t come off flat, monotone and emotionless. Make direct eye contact, smile and ask for their business. Before you leave the meeting ask the client if there are any next steps, anything you can do to make their decision easier. After that, you can leave knowing you arrived prepared, seeing life through Betty’s eyes.

Connect with Dickie Sykes at Examiner.com and leave a comment.

Five Affordable Ways to Boost Employee Happiness, Loyalty, and Motivation

No matter how much they want to reward their employees, many leaders just don’t have the financial resources to give out much-deserved raises and bonuses. Fortunately, according to Todd Patkin, you don’t need to spend a cent to show your people beyond a shadow of a doubt that you care about them and appreciate their hard work.

Foxboro, MA (July 2011)—To say the least, the past few years haven’t been the best for business. We’ve weathered a brutal recession, and most of us aren’t out of the woods yet. What’s more, it’s not only finances that have taken a hit—morale is suffering, too. In the battle for survival, many organizations have developed perpetually stressful atmospheres in which employees are asked to do more with less—often with little thanks. In many cases, it’s not that employers want to shaft their people; they simply can’t afford not to cut hours and positions, and they definitely don’t have the funds for raises and bonuses.

Fortunately, says Todd Patkin, you don’t need a single dime to make your people happy at work or to show them just how much you care about them and appreciate their efforts.

“People will never admit it, but money is not the thing they desire most from their work. Instead, showing appreciation, respect, and, yes, even love are the three most important ways to make your people feel great about their work,” points out Patkin, author of the new book Finding Happiness: One Man’s Quest to Beat Depression and Anxiety and—Finally—Let the Sunshine In (StepWise Press, 2011, ISBN: 978-0-9658261-9-8, $18.00, www.toddpatkin.com). “And happy, engaged employees are the single best way to impact your company’s bottom line.”

Patkin isn’t just a talking head—he speaks from experience. For nearly two decades, he was instrumental in leading his family’s auto parts business, Autopart International, to new heights until it was finally bought by Advance Auto Parts in 2006 for more money than he ever dreamed possible. During that time, Patkin made it his number-one priority to always put his people and their happiness first.

“As a leader, I quickly found that if my team was content and their work environment was a positive one, they would be more engaged and motivated, and they would truly care about our organization’s future,” he elaborates. “Plus, it was even more rewarding for me to see that my employees were happy—and often even ecstatic—than it was for me that we were making money.”

Patkin adds, “It’s more important now than ever before to show your employees love and appreciation, because we’re in the midst of an economic downturn, so you probably won’t have the money to give big raises and bonuses.”

Furthermore, Patkin adds that if your employees are perpetually stressed out, they’ll be less motivated and more disengaged. And when they’re unhappy, they’ll do only what they must to avoid chastisement…and you’ll lose money in the long term. Also, when the economy turns around, they’ll be more likely to look for a new job elsewhere.

“If there is one thing I would like to tell all leaders at all levels and in all industries, it’s that you have nothing to lose and everything to gain—including an improved bottom line—by making your organization as happy a place to work as possible.”

Read on for five of Patkin’s show-the-love strategies that you can use to say “thanks for a job well done!” to any employee, any time…without spending a cent:

Send “love” notes. Writing and sending a thank-you note is standard practice when you receive a gift. And what is great, thorough work other than a gift from your people to you? When you notice that an individual has done an excellent job or has achieved an important goal, send a specific handwritten (not typed!) note conveying your most sincere appreciation and admiration. This will take only one sheet of paper and five minutes out of your day…but it’ll make a lasting impression on your employee.

“When you’re a leader, you’re busy and often overwhelmed,” Patkin acknowledges. “It’s understandable that you might overlook saying the words ‘thank you,’ much less writing them. Remember, though, that positive reinforcement and sincere gratitude will increase the respect your team has for you and will improve their opinion of your entire organization. Also, it will encourage them to likewise say ‘thank you’ more often to their own subordinates within your company. Think of writing what I call ‘love notes’ as a way to invest in your company’s atmosphere and future!”

Distribute inspiration. Our society tends to think of work as a place of drudgery, obligation, and boredom, as exemplified in the now-iconic movie Office Space. People certainly don’t think of receiving inspiration and rejuvenation between nine and five. According to Patkin, though, buoying your team’s spirits should be one of your daily goals. If you help them to see the world as a sunnier place and to improve their attitudes and ways of thinking about their entire lives, their professional and personal productivity will increase too.

“If you run across a quotation or story that inspires you, don’t keep it to yourself—pass it along to an employee, and perhaps, if appropriate, also mention that the quote or anecdote reminded you of him and his great attitude,” suggests Patkin. “Alternatively, you might consider sending out a quote or lesson of the day. Yes, the idea might sound hokey at first, but I firmly believe that most people vastly underestimate the power of feeding their minds with inspirational and educational material.”

Tell success stories. Even if they brush off praise or downplay their achievements, everybody loves to be recognized and complimented. When someone in your organization has done something great, tell her that you noticed her outstanding work, and tell the rest of the team, too! Whether correctly or incorrectly, many employees feel that their leaders take them for granted and only point out their mistakes, so make it your daily mission to prove that perception wrong.

“When I was at Autopart International and I saw that one of my people did something noteworthy, I made sure that everyone else knew about it by sending the story about her accomplishment around in an email to the entire chain,” Patkin recalls. “I could literally see the glow on the highlighted employee’s face for weeks, and I also noticed that many of the other team members now worked even harder too in order to earn a write-up themselves. Remember to always praise in public as ‘loudly as possible,’ and conversely, criticize only in private!”

Identify stars. According to Patkin, identifying stars is taking the concept behind telling success stories to the next level. Yes, recognize achievements whenever you see them, but also make celebrating your stars a regular event. Sure, some team members will roll their eyes at “Employee of the Week/Month” programs, but you can rest assured that no one is going to turn down this honor.

“Instead of singling out just one person, you might even consider recognizing multiple individuals every month,” Patkin suggests. “For example, I always wrote about several store managers in our ‘Managers of the Month’ newsletter. Later, I included assistant managers, store supervisors, store salespeople, and our drivers in this letter of champions as well. My profiles for each star would often be a full page in length, lauding both their professional achievements and wonderful personal qualities. The newsletters themselves were often thirty pages in length when finished. But I know many within the team loved to read these personalized recognitions each month, and they motivated lots of the employees to work even harder to earn a spot on the pages themselves.”

Make it a family affair. Whenever possible, engage your employees’ families when praising them. Having a leader validate all the hours each team member spends at work will be remembered far longer than a bonus (really!). Plus, when spouses and kids know what Mom or Dad does at work and are “on board” with it, your employee’s performance will be buoyed by support from the ones he or she loves the most.

“For example, if an employee did something really tremendous, I would call his home, generally trying to get the answering machine and not a person,” Patkin shares. “Then I’d leave a voicemail like this one:

“Hi, (name of spouse and kids), this is Todd Patkin from Autopart International where your husband and dad works. I just want to tell you that your husband and dad is the most incredible, wonderful, amazing person in the whole world. He just broke our Nashua, New Hampshire, store’s all-time sales record. Guys, that is incredible!! So, please, kids, do me a favor. When your dad comes home tonight, everyone run up and give him a huge hug and tell him how proud you are of him and how great he is. And, (name of spouse), I hope you too will give him a big hug and a wonderful kiss to make sure he knows how much you love him and how much he is appreciated for all he’s doing for our company. Thanks, guys.

“And in fact, years later, many employees whose families received these phone calls told me that although they didn’t remember how much their bonus checks were for that year, that extra-special homecoming was still clearly etched in their memories.”

“Trust me, showing people love, appreciation, and respect trump money just about every time when it comes to building long-term motivation and boosting employee morale and loyalty,” concludes Patkin. “When you take the time to make your employees feel valued, they’ll know that you care about them on a more personal level, and they’ll be much happier at work. And in the end, when you’ve achieved a really positive atmosphere at work and the improved bottom line that will surely come from it, you’ll feel amazing too!”

About the Author: Todd Patkin grew up in Needham, Massachusetts. After graduating from Tufts University, he joined the family business and spent the next eighteen years helping to grow it to new heights. After it was purchased by Advance Auto Parts in 2005, he was free to focus on his main passions: philanthropy and giving back to the community, spending time with family and friends, and helping more people learn how to be happy. Todd lives with his wonderful wife, Yadira, their amazing son, Josh, and two great dogs, Tucker and Hunter.

A long-time consultant is offended by something a new salesperson said on a conference call and is threatening to leave. And an employee in marketing is furious about being passed over for a promotion in favor of her coworker and is trying to discredit her. These are just a couple of examples of the workplace conflicts that take up 42 percent of the typical manager’s time. The trick to moving past these conflicts and on to increased productivity for everyone at your organization, says Steven Dinkin, is knowing how to broach the topics in a way that leads to improved working relationships.

“Disagreements, disputes, and honest differences are normal in any workplace,” says Dinkin, coauthor along with Barbara Filner and Lisa Maxwell of The Exchange: A Bold and Proven Approach to Resolving Workplace Conflict. “When these normal occurrences are treated as opportunities for exploring new ideas about projects, they can become catalysts for increased energy and productivity. Getting to that place starts with an honest discussion.”

Dinkin knows what he is talking about. He, Filner, and Maxwell have spent years heading up the National Conflict Resolution Center. Their new book supplies readers with proven tools for resolving emotionally charged disputes.

The Exchange itself is a four-stage, structured process specifically designed to encourage discussion of all the issues in dispute—even the intense, emotional issues—in ways that are more productive than a gripe session. It derives from the conflict resolution model used successfully by National Conflict Resolution Center mediators for more than 25 years and includes constructive techniques to use in face-to-face meetings with disputing or disruptive employees. You can use this process to break down barriers—and to create changes that have a positive effect on your whole workforce.

It’s important to note that The Exchange was designed by mediators for managers. Managers learn a structure and skills similar to those mediators know and use, but it also takes into account managers’ responsibilities, both to their companies and their employees.

“A key difference between managers and mediators,” Dinkin explains, “is that managers are not expected to be neutral. They have the responsibility of reinforcing the interests of the department and the company for which they work. The Exchange teaches managers the right combination of skills and structure, as well as the finesse, to express the needs of the company.”

“The Exchange begins with you—the manager—and ends with employees meeting with the manager to develop effective solutions,” he adds. “Like most managers, you probably did not set out to be a conflict resolver. And you probably find it more than a little frustrating to be your company’s resident fire chief. The Exchange teaches you to resist the temptation to simply tell people what to do. Actively engaging your employees in problem solving helps them take responsibility for the problem and for the solution. When you know how to address workplace conflicts properly, these challenging situations can lead to creative resolutions that re-energize the workplace and bring new ideas to old problems.”

The following tips—excerpted from The Exchange—will teach you how to turn your next meeting with conflicting employees into a productive conversation.

Start with an icebreaker. Most people will be ready to complain, debate, or argue at the beginning of any conflict-based conversation. They have marshaled their most compelling arguments and are ready for battle. If you go straight to the topic of controversy, most people will quickly get stuck in defending their positions and attacking their opponents.

“That’s why you need to do something different,” says Dinkin. “The Exchange teaches that you should begin with an icebreaker. This is not just a light introductory activity. It is a way to non-confrontationally initiate a conversation about difficult issues. An ideal icebreaker asks for a person’s own take on something that’s both work-related and positive. For example, if the conflict involves two employees involved in the same project, you might break the ice by asking each of them how they became involved in the project and what they hoped to achieve.”

Listen. Conflict resolution is tricky because too many managers ignore the fact that sometimes what they aren’t saying is more important than what they are saying. Often the best resolutions come from listening carefully to what the other person has to say. Being an active listener sends the message that you are genuinely concerned about him or her and the dispute. Put plain and simply, it’s the best way to get good information.

“Ask an open-ended question,” advises Dinkin. “It can be as simple as, ‘So, tell me, what’s going on?’ Then listen carefully to that person’s side of the story. You’ll know it’s time to insert yourself into the conversation when the discussion turns negative.

“You can acknowledge someone’s emotions without seeming like you are taking his or her side,” says Dinkin. “Especially at the beginning of talking about a conflict, you’re building rapport, even if it’s with an employee you’ve spoken with millions of times before. When there’s a conflict, you’re treading on new ground, and showing that person you are willing to see his or her side of the story is how you will set the foundation for working toward a solution.”

Use and encourage positive language. This one might seem like a no-brainer, but any frustrated manager knows how easy it can be to slip into negativity after a conflict has affected a workgroup. Always think before you speak. Use positive, easy-to-understand language. Don’t fall into repeating, verbatim, paragraphs from your company’s HR manual.

“Remember, you’re having a conversation, not a trial,” says Dinkin. “If you keep the language positive, whoever you’re addressing will likely mirror what you’re doing. Even referring to the department’s needs can be stated in very positive terms, which will lead to a more collaborative (rather than punitive) tone in the discussion. For example, if the manager says, ‘This has increasingly affected the entire team, and we need to address it so we can get everyone focused back on the project goals and having a comfortable working environment. I am looking forward to establishing a good working relationship between the two of you and improving morale for everyone on the team,’ it will set a constructive atmosphere. When you keep things positive, you can work toward great solutions efficiently and effectively.”

Work toward SMART solutions. Sustainable solutions are SMART solutions. That means they’re:

Specific: Be clear about who will do what, when, where, and how.

Measurable: Be clear about how you will all be able to tell that something has been done, achieved, or completed.

Achievable: Make sure that whatever solution you agree on fits the situation; that it complies with both the law and organizational policy; that everyone involved has the ability and opportunity to do what is required of them. Don’t set up anyone to fail.

Realistic: Check calendar dates for holidays and vacations; look at past performance to predict future actions; allow extra time for glitches and delays; don’t assume that the best-case scenarios will come true.

Timed: Create reasonable deadlines or target dates; include a few ideas about what to do if something unexpected occurs; be willing to set new dates if necessary.

“Once you have your SMART solutions in place, immediately put them in writing,” says Dinkin. “Putting solutions in writing is very important, and not just for legal reasons (and for covering your back). It’s a way to honor the work that you and your employees have accomplished. It’s also a way to keep people’s memories from diverging from the agreed-upon solutions. Verbal agreements have a way of being remembered very differently by different people—and then becoming the subject of another conflict. It’s safer and easier for everyone to have the solutions written down, in order to be able to easily verify them later.”

“Disputes, full of emotional complexities and interpersonal histories, are the headaches of the workplace,” concludes Dinkin. “They’re always going to pop up, even in the most cordial of workplace environments. The good news is that when you’re armed with the tools you need to work toward productive resolutions, you and your employees can use them to strengthen your organization rather than harm it.”

About the Authors: Steven P. Dinkin is president of NCRC. He received his law degree from George Washington University, where he taught a mediation clinic as an adjunct law professor. He has also taught mediation courses in the United States, Europe, and Latin America. For several years with the Center for Dispute Settlement in Washington, D.C., Steve served as an employment and workplace mediator for the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission and other federal agencies. In 2003, he moved to San Diego to lead NCRC.

Barbara Filner was the director of training for NCRC from 1984-2010. She currently works as a consultant for NCRC. She has designed and conducted workshops on mediation and conflict resolution in the workplace in both the United States and Europe. She has lived in Pakistan, India, and Egypt, and thus brings a multicultural perspective to this book. She has also co-written two books about culture and conflict, Conflict Resolution Across Cultures (Diversity Resources) and Mediation Across Cultures (Amherst Educational Publishing).

Lisa Maxwell is currently the director of the training institute at NCRC. She has traveled all over the world as a trainer for NCRC for almost 20 years. Lisa has a master’s degree in education from San Diego State University and has developed curricula and taught courses at the high school and university levels. Mrs. Maxwell developed and is the lead trainer in The Exchange Training. Lisa has worked with businesses, with the military, and with nonprofit organizations on finding creative, effective ways to manage conflicts.